(B01C07) Chapter 7: T'aming the Heart

 “YOU KNOW THAT YOU’RE A PART OF ME AND I WILL ALWAYS TRY. THINK OF ME WHEN YOU’RE ALONE, I’M ALWAYS BY YOUR SIDE. WHEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR, YOU’RE ALWAYS THERE FOR ME TOO. YOU’RE NOT ALONE, YOU’RE ALWAYS HOME, I’LL SHARE YOUR PAIN WITH YOU.” – “SISTER SCOUT” BY JD STAHL

Fortunately, by the time I was born, my parents already had sufficient practice with children. I was not an only child. My sister, Amy Kathleen Stahl, was born 2 and a half years before me. After her birth on June 9, 1977, my parents officially started their family. For that time, my sister was the primary focus of both of my parents. The three of them celebrated the family unit together, as a trio. My parents took many pictures of their first child, their only daughter. For a little over two years, my sister received the full focus of love and adoration from both of my parents. During that time, I can only imagine how impressive it must have been to feel the entire universe colliding and conspiring within your heart.

From these two years, my sister developed into an extremely perceptive, gentle, and sensitive soul. At the same time, my parents were able to experience all of those “first-time” moments and learn from them before having their second child (me). After having that much attention placed upon you by two archetypes of psychic focus and energy, it would only make sense that a certain withdrawal would need to be endured if any of that energy were to flow elsewhere.

Born to Die to Live

“YOU GET DISCOURAGED, DON'T YOU, GIRL? IT'S YOUR BROTHER'S WORLD FOR A WHILE LONGER. WE GOTTA DANCE WITH THE DEVIL ON A RIVER TO BEAT THE STREAM. CALL IT LIVING THE DREAM. CALL IT KICKING THE LADDER. THEY COME TO KICK DIRT IN YOUR FACE. TO CALL YOU WEAK AND THEN DISPLACE YOU AFTER CARRYING YOUR BABY ON YOUR BACK ACROSS THE DESERT. I SAW YOUR EYES BEHIND YOUR HAIR. AND YOU'RE LOOKING TIRED, BUT YOU DON'T LOOK SCARED.” – “THE JOKE” BY BRANDI CARLILE

Needless to say, by the time I was born, I'm sure my sister felt abandoned in her own way. Then again, many older siblings silently experience this phenomenon far before they are able to verbalize it or even admit it to themselves. As a result, confusion can occur. This confusion, if not understood, can turn into resentment, anger, or victimization. It would take someone with an extremely strong heart to be able to whether this withdrawal without completely falling apart.

When my sister was 4 years old, she underwent surgery to repair a hole in her heart. Occasionally, children can develop a heart murmur at birth, causing the heart to weaken and prevent blood from reaching other parts of the body and brain. Though the surgery left her with a scar on her back, she thankfully survived. As a kid, I always thought that she had the scar because her heart was so big that it became too big for her. However, mystics and other spiritual gurus often believe that children are born with these types of health issues as a manifestation of their enlightenment in a previous birth.

“BLUE BABIES ARE WHAT SCIENTISTS ARE ALWAYS FASCINATED BY. THEY'RE BABIES WHO ARE BORN WHO DON'T SEEM TO HAVE ANY DESIRE TO LIVE. THEY'RE JUST BORN AND THEY DON'T EAT AND THEY DON'T DO ANYTHING THEY DON'T DEVELOP ANY PERSONA. THEY JUST DIE.” – RAM DASS

If it wasn't for the surgery, I'm sure she would have ended up like one of those “blue babies.” Those are children that are born with a congenital heart defect, restricting their oxygen and often causing them to die immediately after they are born. Thanks to modern science, my sister survived this ordeal; yet, it left her with the problems of living in the physical world with a significantly greater spiritual awareness. However, I guess she had a reason to be here, or else she wouldn't have agreed to come back at all.

This partially explains why much of her life (to me) seemed like a constant struggle. It's not that she wasn't able to achieve great things; it's more that doing so didn't make a difference to her or not. Though she tried, she just could never convince herself that the ambitions of the majority were anything more than simple games that allowed people to feel better about themselves—or better than the next person. When the confusion became so great, her mind would scream out like an atomic explosion—extending across the entire planet.

She learned by her own experiences that such meaningless ambitions and struggling for attention were tantamount to a child crying for its mother. With this, she had plenty of experience. When she was able to recognize her own fears, she undressed the entire world in the same moment. I guess she was able to easily identify this quality in me as well, as I was quite often distracted and addicted to obtaining attention from the world around me. Her personal love language became akin to how my father taught us both. She would force me to face myself in certain ways which made my repeated attempts to garner sympathy or pity appear desperate and reaching.

“YONDER STANDS YOUR ORPHAN WITH HIS GUN, CRYING LIKE A FIRE IN THE SUN. LOOK OUT THE SAINTS ARE COMING THROUGH. AND IT’S ALL OVER NOW, BABY BLUE.” – “IT'S ALL OVER NOW, BABY BLUE” BY BOB DYLAN

Not only did my sister pave the way for me with my parents, but she also created an archetype of strength, taming her own wild heart. After experiencing such an intense love at such an early age, my older sister not only sacrificed part of her abundance to me, but she also did so without forcing herself to harden. In fact, this endeavor was quite a bit more difficult than she often could admit to herself. The demons my sister often fought were born from her own resentment. When I was born, my mother's attention turned primarily to her baby boy. During that time, my sister's mind was plagued with feelings of guilt, frustration, and other unstructured masses of clouded pain and suffering.

Because of this silent internal conflict, she lived in two worlds at the same time. Part of her, like many first born, attempted to develop a maturity to either mask or work through their traumatic withdrawal of focused attention. As a means to counsel ourselves through these attention withdrawals, we can rest ourselves upon selflessly serving and sacrificing part of ourselves to those we love or we can continue to cling to our youth, returning to these blissful moments of prioritization again and again. This is only an issue, of course, if we don't realize that we are doing it. If we do, then it can be a method of transcending dualistic perspectives. If we don't understand the source of this trauma, however, it can end up developing into a personality disorder, bipolar mood symptoms, or an incredible apathy towards life in general.

Any of these issues, of course, can bring even the strongest people to their knees. At times, I could see my sister breaking in such a way. Being that we were both so perceptive of these energies, I could often feel her pain along with her. Fortunately, I could tell that my sister sensed this in me; and for that, she became empowered within herself to realize her strength to endure anything that life was able to throw at her. With a sly smile, she absorbed my father's ability to consume her own shadows—and she did it with a smile that let the world know that they didn't stand a chance.

Charming Disobedience

“WE GREW UP TOGETHER, FROM THE CRADLE TO THE GRAVE. WE DIED AND WERE REBORN, AND THEN MYSTERIOUSLY SAVED.” – “OH SISTER” BY BOB DYLAN

From as early as I could remember, my sister Amy was my best friend. She taught me the basics about how to be a human being. In fact, she set the standard for how I was to enjoy my life at all. Thankfully, because of all of her hidden strength, she was the main person in my life who showed me that living life on your terms is not just important, but absolutely necessary.

Whether it be from foresight or hopefulness, my mother nicknamed my sister “The Obedient Child.” At first, I admit, this moniker seemed to me like a joke. Personally, I never saw my sister as obedient. I perceived her more to be quite rebellious. My sister broke many rules as long as I knew her, testing the boundaries of my parents before and after I was born. In fact, one of her sisterly “duties” seemed to be crashing into every single wall around her, if only to point out to me where the boundaries were. This allowed me to learn by observation, remaining a somewhat silent witness to the dynamics of parental discipline and patience.

“I DIDN'T SEE YOU AT SUMMER SCHOOL, BUT I SAW YOU AT THE CORNER STORE. AND I DON'T WANT TO BREAK THE RULES, CAUSE I'VE BROKEN THEM ALL BEFORE. BUT EVERY TIME I SEE YOU, I WONDER WHY I DON'T BREAK A COUPLE RULES SO THAT YOU'LL NOTICE ME.” – “SISTER, DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?” BY WHITE STRIPES

My sister and I got along when it mattered—any conflicts were nothing more serious than sibling rivalry. She was more like my father, and I soaked up my mother's attention like a sponge; I think it was my insatiable ability to consume attention that caused the problem. The only pain that we felt were caused by a subtle competitiveness that we (thankfully) later realized was more of a genetic predisposition than anything else. And after we realized that the opposition caused more pain than union, we just tossed it in the fire like the garbage it truly was.

My sister's smile could recreate the child in anyone she gave it to—which was truly anyone. She was more self-sacrificial to the world than she ever was to herself. But as quickly as she emptied herself, she was immediately refilled with the same light she had just recently extended to the wandering. Unconsciously, my sister and I balanced out the energies which were allotted to us by our parents. I often felt as though she sacrificed herself just to show me that there was really nothing to be afraid of. At the same time, this was a method she could use to differentiate herself from my fragile sensitivities and garner temporary favor from our father. In her defense, I would equally play up my strengths to control the lion's share of our mother's infinite supply of love.

“WELL WE'RE BACK IN SCHOOL AGAIN, AND I DON'T REALLY KNOW ANYONE. I REALLY WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND, CAUSE I DON'T REALLY KNOW ANYONE.” – “SISTER, DO YOU KNOW MY NAME” BY THE WHITE STRIPES

My sister's weakness was that she had difficulty tempering the emotional weight of the world around her. There were times when her psychic sensibilities seemed to crush her, making her emotions spin out of control. Part of me always understood what she was going through, but I had not yet been able to verbalize it well enough.

This, of course, was one of my motivating factors for learning how to structure my own emotions in such a way that I could use it to help those I loved endure their own suffering. Unfortunately, when this goes unchecked, we can begin to feel somewhat responsible to the external world, sacrificing ourselves out of a sense of obligation. Without my sister in this world, I would surely have been too confused and afraid to maintain my sense of composure.

“BORN BY THE BLUEBIRD. BORN ALL BY MYSELF. HOW CAN YOU KEEP MY LOVE ON YOUR SHELF? NOBODY KNOWS ME. NOBODY CARES. WITHOUT MY SISTER, I’D BE SCARED.” – “BABY TOYS” BY JD STAHL  

Gazing upon her exterior, my sister was a statuesque model of female beauty and brilliance. She had the body of a natural athlete. No matter how much or how often we argued, I knew that there was nobody else in this world who would ever be able to understand me as deeply as she. Even if she never was able to admit it, I knew that she was doing her bit to protect me and guide me to develop the strength I so desperately needed in this world to be able to survive.

Amy was only able to ground herself in the physical world by finding a purpose; else, she may just disappear entirely. Short of finding a specific calling, she humbly devoted herself to those around her, being for them what she always wanted in her life: someone to stand by her when the entire world seemed to turn away. Though I now see that I had a hand in developing that fear, I was too young to recognize it behind my own fears of abandonment. Yet, at the same time, I always looked up to my sister, desiring to impress her in a way that would help relieve some of the pressure I knew that she felt for silently resenting my introduction into this world, sneaking away with portions of our mother's love that she—at one point—never considered apportioning to someone who mirrored her greatest vulnerabilities.

Mona Lisa's Smile

“YOUR SISTER SEES THE FUTURE, LIKE YOUR MOMMA AND YOURSELF. SHE NEVER LEARNED TO READ OR WRITE. THERE'S NO BOOKS UPON HER SHELF. AND HER PLEASURE KNOWS NO LIMITS. HER VOICE IS LIKE A MEADOW LARK. BUT HER HEART IS LIKE AN OCEAN, MYSTERIOUS AND DARK.”-- “ONE MORE CUP OF COFFEE” BY BOB DYLAN

Behind the persona which she was required to maintain to disguise her ascended spirit, she played her part well. During those times when she was able to maintain her balance amongst the weight of the world's silent screams, you could see the twinkle in her eye. As she transcended either poles of her personality, out from the center would erupt an energy which held no age or held no physical residence in time or space. Behind this inner “knowing,” she could stare a hole right through you. Dissecting you entirely, she could place you all the way back to the gates of Delphi, where she could remember speaking as the oracle.

With an infinite memory, Amy grinned like the Mona Lisa. Captured in Davinci's paint, she silently communicated more than she would ever be allowed (or willing) to openly admit. This shared expression, through time, was one which revealed the illusory nature of the entire world. She knew that at one point, she would eventually gaze upon herself, again, from another form in another time. Behind her smirk, you could almost hear my sister say, “Well, what did you expect?” before turning and walking away.

Yet, whenever she was with me, I felt the company of the only human who could ever acknowledge the true depths of being. Each time I felt that I was going to drown in my own emotions, she would meet me wherever I was, just to show me that there was nothing to fear—about anything, even death. Being that my sister was able to shrug off the depths of her own darkness without even breaking a sweat, I always looked up to her so she could show me how to find my own light. Once I did, of course, I would then be able to come back and do the same for her, without my own fear that I would ever fail her. To feel as if this person would ever abandon me, revealed the location of my own heart's scar: my best friend—my heart.

Equestrian Nightmares

JD Stahl (9/30/2004)

Equestrian nightmares, of sorrow and her pain. Faceless memories, wander round her brain. Her heart is full of beauty which mirrors her face. Since she was 7, experiments can be traced.

She laughs at her foes, but she feels them all through. Facing the mirror, don't you wanna help too? She routines her day by, then heads off to bed. Sorting through sentences that you said she's been fed.

She dreams in the daytime. Nightmares in the sand. I wish I could give more than my hand.

She dreams in the daytime. Nightmares in the light. I wish to give her my muscle to use in her fight. Goodnight.