(B01C11) Chapter 11: Hollowed by the Name

Illustration by Alex Grey

7-Year Switch

“ONE’S AMBITION, ATTITUDE, AND MOTIVATIONS ARE DETERMINED EARLY IN LIFE—THE FIRST SEVEN YEARS TO BE PRECISE. MAKING CHANGES LATER IN LIFE TO YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS (REWIRING YOUR BRAIN), WHICH IS PROGRAMMED IN THE FIRST SEVEN YEARS, TAKES A TON OF EFFORT AND SELF-AWARENESS.” – DR. BRUCE LIPTON

Up until the age of 7, children are primarily building upon their theta-state consciousness. This is the source of our subconscious programming containing all of the “rules” that will eventually guide our actions. If we are ever cut off from this theta state, attempting to change our beliefs in a way which is more conducive to our lives can be incredibly difficult.

If, however, we are capable of engaging our conscious awareness upon these unified brain states, we can eventually reconnect the previously established neurological pathways, leading us back to our own “kingdom” or brahmanic state of independent energy and creativity. This energy is not sourced from the construct of linear spacetime, and therefore cannot be corrupted by any physical means. One only (temporarily) loses access to this energy by submitting or accepting belief systems that negate its existence. Fortunately, at any moment, we can engage our conscious free will to reclaim the “roads” we previously closed off as a means to be accepted into the marketplace of time and karma.

For this reason, it becomes essential to be cognizant of all of the subconscious programs we have accrued which perpetuate instances of separation, comparison, competition, or conscious distance. As we return to our child-like proclivities for collaboration and inclusion, we will (energetically and vibrationally) feel more at peace. Reflecting back on these childhood memories, one will essentially be capable of self-healing the trauma we experienced in each our lives. However, this “trauma” does not necessarily mean we were physically abused or mistreated. Trauma to our childhood innocence only requires us to move our locus of consciousness from identifying similarities to discriminating differences between ourselves and those in our environment.

Welcome to the Deus Ex Machina

“'CAUSE MY FRIEND SAID HE'D TAKE YOU HOME. HE SITS IN A CORNER ALL ALONE. HE LIVES UNDER A WATERFALL. NOBODY CAN SEE HIM. NOBODY CAN EVER HEAR HIM CALL.” – “SUPERSONIC” BY OASIS

Whenever I would get dropped off to the yellow house, I spent most of my time observing the other kids in the playroom. Prior to this, the only exposure to children my age was limited to my sister and my cousins. While I waited for my mother to pick me up at the end of the day, I would play with the provided toys, take naps, and do all of the other things that would fill my time. I would find it quite difficult to focus on one thing at a time, however. The invisible energy around me was very loud, like sitting in the middle of a noisy cafeteria. My mind was filled with the unspoken narratives of everyone around me.

I would return home, attempting to discern the difference between myself and the other children. I wanted to connect with them in the same way that I was able to connect with my family members—without words. Anytime that I felt ineffective at communication, I would get upset. I would be frustrated because I didn't understand why those around me didn't understand my unique language—silent or spoken.

As entertaining as it was to participate in the social order of things, it was incredibly stressful—at least in comparison to what I was used to. Before preschool, I was capable of knowing which energy was of my own and which came from other clearly-defined archetypal casting of my family. No longer did I feel as if I was living in my own world inside my head. All of a sudden, I started to experience things like competition, rules, ownership, dominance, and attention-seeking. All of these energies are created out of fear; essentially, they are survival skills that are developed as means to preserve the things we previously accepted as “shared.” Unfortunately, when we are not harmonically synchronized with people in our direct environments, we start to believe that scarcity exist.

Created by focusing our energy on differences rather than similarities is what causes us to become off balance and engender a zero-sum-game concept of reality (if I want something, then I have to take it from someone else). When we are not used to this concept, we experience a painful emotional “tearing” or separation from those we initially believed to be a part of ourselves—not different. As children, our creative energy and learning ability hinges on conserving our own renewable energy, memory, recall, and inclusion. Any moment we create separation or otherwise fragment our environment, we experience a painful withdrawal. The symptoms of this energetic withdrawal from unconditional love are depression, anxiety, fear, frustration, anger, or sadness.

Karma Chameleon

“'I'M LOOKING THROUGH YOU. WHERE DID YOU GO? I THOUGHT I KNEW YOU. WHAT DID I KNOW? YOU DON'T LOOK DIFFERENT, BUT YOU HAVE CHANGED. I'M LOOKING THROUGH YOU. YOU'RE NOT THE SAME.” – “I'M LOOKING THROUGH YOU” BY THE BEATLES

These symptoms forced me out of my own mind and into the externalized world of ego, identity, and other social politics. I went from focusing my energy between my mind and body to focusing my energy on my body and the external world. This experience was similar to a second birth. My ego was born from my own creation: subjective perception of my interdependence with my environment. I wasn't “born” out of the womb of another person, however. I was born from myself. Out of my brahmanic state of existence, I gave birth to my differentiated ego. And with that process, all children experience the birthing pains of separation from the “womb” of universal energy, Christ Consciousness, and spiritual independence or equanimity (harmony).

This process altered my entire perception of who I believed myself to be. No longer was I able to identify as every single possibility (Brahma or Fool), but I could now feel my identity change in respect to how others projected into/onto me. Basically, I began to experiment with other people's personal reflection. It was like putting on a different personality with every single person that I met. I would vacillate between imitating them to being their reciprocal opposite. Between these two states, I was able to map their subconscious.

WELL ON THE WAY, HEAD IN A CLOUD. THE MAN OF A THOUSAND VOICES, TALKING PERFECTLY LOUD. BUT NOBODY EVER HEARS HIM OR THE SOUND HE APPEARS TO MAKE. AND HE NEVER SEEMS TO NOTICE.” – “FOOL ON THE HILL” BY THE BEATLES

Occasionally, however, I would get confused or frustrated. When that happened, I would fall out of balance and would lose control of my body to its lower-vibrational ego. I went from being an awakened being to a child. My physical body and it's freshly-created ego would assume control and my energy of higher awareness was unable to “flow” from within. Essentially, it was like having a joystick stop working while you were in the middle of a video game. Any distraction that I could not balance within my mind/body increased the distance between flow-state consciousness and ego. This situation was all created from the simple inclusion of fear. However, this didn't stop my silent observation. Though the body would not respond well, I could always return to this awareness whenever I identified more with it than my ego.

All of us are capable of returning to this state. All we have to do is discard our fears that create the distance between the two dimensions (physical and nonphysical). However, many of us run into the same problem as we did as children. We encounter fear and find it very difficult to release that fear. We must trust ourselves enough to stop clinging to belief systems, hope, or anything else which would require a consideration of possible abandonment, separation (sin), or fragmentation of our energy. For us to consider the existence of “good,” there must be a “bad.” And so, out of fear, we cling to one without recognizing the interdependence of the two. As we associate with a part, we “depart” from our previous state of wholeness or unity.

It is this dynamic which requires fear when there is scarcity, or competition. There is also fear in comparison. As children, we experienced this same fear whenever we worried that our energetic “space” would be claimed by another, leaving us to feel violated against our will. It was this subtle energy that made me somewhat afraid to interact with others outside my family. As they each attempted to claim their personality or environments, my sensitivity led me immediately to my defenses in response to their aggressions. Even though they didn't purposely do this to cause pain, behind their efforts was a fear they experienced with each step that took them further away from their own kingdoms.

Sadly, even the simplest act of having to introduce myself to another child my age forced me to have to focus my energy on differentiation. Before this, I really saw no need to introduce myself. Even the request to do so taught me that it was expected of me to give of myself to someone else. Anytime I gave my name out, it felt as if I was cutting a section of my kingdom and handing it over to be claimed by another.

Name and Distress

“HEY YOU WITH YOU EAR AGAINST THE WALL, WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO CALL OUT. WOULD YOU TOUCH ME? HEY YOU, WOULD YOU HELP ME TO CARRY THE STONE? OPEN YOUR HEART, I'M COMING HOME.” – “HEY YOU” BY PINK FLOYD

Sure, I knew that I had a name. However, I only believed it to be important to my mother so she could get my attention. Therefore, it meant no more than a “hey you” that was used as a vocal prompt. So that when I was asked to introduce myself to other people so often, I was curious to find out the reason. Being that there were so many other kids around me, I soon decided to believe that it was to tell us apart from one another. However, even that placed my focus on differences. It didn't take long to realize that by accepting a name at all was my one-way ticket out of my infinite kingdom.

I started to become incredibly discriminative, focusing on analyzing that which was different about other people. In each attempt, I was cataloguing their name with their attributes, creating categories and subdivisions based on each and every character trait—both physical and psychological. The questions I asked myself were endless. I began to memorize their images, imprinting them into my brain. Every name represented a veritable matrix of polarities and percentages of internal vs. external expressions.

Like a computer, I indexed everything that I heard. No matter where I went from that moment, I would attempt to draw the lines of similarity between these traits. If someone's name was similar, I would connect them to another with the same name. If they were a female, then I would build an average of all the possibilities for females; then I would do the same for males. I would further associate things like hair or eye color and connect them to things like personality traits. This practice went on and on and on until I could do it subconsciously while focusing on other things. This was the creation of my subconscious programming matrix, focused entirely on tangential synchronicities and consistencies.

“PLEASED ARE THE TIDES THAT DRAINED; LIKE THE WATERS THAT WAIT FOR YOU, TOO. MEMORIES LOCKED, STOCKED LIKE GOLD. BODIES THAT CAN’T THINK OF BEING OLD. YET, I STILL KNOW WHAT THE CODE IS. IT’S PROTECTED BY DIAGNOSIS. I TALK TO PEOPLE INSIDE AND BESIDE YOU. ONES YOU’VE NEVER MET, DISGUISED AS YOU.” – “FROM THE HORSE'S MOUTH” BY JD STAHL

Balancing both the existence of differences and similarities was how I was capable of staying in the “flow” (present moment) between my internal and external world. Instead of seeing everyone as a completely different person, I saw every person as a radius full of different energies. Those who overlapped, I could identify which characteristics or attributes that were shared—drawing lines to other things. From the knowns and similarities, I was capable of figuring out things that were unknown or unspoken from those who modeled similar traits or who had other consistent traits.

It would be like putting a bunch of paintings on top of each other and drawing lines to the parts that were drawn with the same color. Within each of those colors was a different archetype or personality. Within everyone I knew, I saw a vast number of different energies and patterns swimming around like fish. Though they would not be consciously aware of this, each person kept flickering between energetic personalities and archetypes. Adults, however, did not transition as much. They had more or less committed to far fewer options (colors).

“LIKE THE COLOR OF MY SKIN, OR THE DAY THAT I GROW OLD. MY LIFE IS MADE OF PATTERNS THAT CAN SCARCELY BE CONTROLLED.” – “PATTERNS” BY SIMON AND GARFUNKEL

I was not reading minds as much as I was reading patterns. The further I went down into my database, I could then attempt to reason why these like traits were a product of physical attributes or a product of a reciprocal environment. Basically, I was applying patterns to my entire world, helping me to explain to myself what energy was mine and what was not. By doing so, I could return to my own state of inner peace without feeling responsible for what was occurring around me.

And so, my world opened quite a bit, increasing exponentially in complexity. This complexity eventually changed how I perceived myself as well. No longer was I able to define myself based primarily on the mother/father or parent/child dynamic, now I was perplexed by a multitude of dimensional conflicts. Basically, I was stuck trying to figure out why certain things overlapped and why some did not. I would make various attempts to predict the flow of natural law or free will within a structured, controlled system. However, unless we operate in total balanced existence (unconditional love), it is impossible. To do so would be akin to bottling lighting. What I was attempting to do in order to remain connected to my innocence was equal to claiming control over God/Nature/Source itself.

“BUT YOU'RE STILL WITH ME. BUT IF YOU WANT IT, THEN YOU MUST FIND IT. BUT WHEN YOU HAVE IT, THERE'LL BE NO NEED FOR IT” – “THE ART OF DYING” BY GEORGE HARRISON

The paradox of existence requires us to release desire or control before receiving. Basically, in order for us to be our best selves, we have to stop trying. When we stop trying or creating effort to balance the presence of fear or abandonment, the resistance is no longer there, delivering us to our best selves. However, the moment we compare this present moment against a previous moment, we lose it again. In order to live, we have to die from a world of duality or separation. When we stop judging ourselves, we are the judge—one who no longer has anything to do. Even though as small children we “get” this concept—because it was all that previously existed—trying to explain it to ourselves at the same time as incorporating desire is virtually impossible.

My first existential crisis came from introducing myself to other children. I could feel their projections change, flipping between perceptions of who they believed me to be. Initially, the changes were frequent; the longer the conversation got, they eventually settled on a few—or one. When they did, I felt very uncomfortable, confused, and frustrated. It felt like they were stealing or claiming parts of me without asking—just by looking at me. Whenever this happened, I started to change the way I acted. I went from one personality to the next, ensuring that I would never be “trapped” into such a limited “space” or identity. Each time I was introduced, I felt as if I had to claim personality traits—like a “land grab” for various patterns of energy or archetypal personalities. For this reason, I became a bit shy and observed quietly from a distance. During this time, I observed others as they would introduce themselves to others. I watched as they negotiated themselves within their environment so I could better understand what was happening. This required me to learn their “common language.”

Baby on Babylon

“BABYLON SYSTEM IS THE VAMPIRE, YEA! (VAMPIRE). SUCKIN' THE CHILDREN DAY BY DAY, YEAH! ME SAY DE BABYLON SYSTEM IS THE VAMPIRE, FALLING EMPIRE,” – “BABYLON SYSTEM” BY BOB MARLEY AND THE WAILERS

In all of the years of school that awaited me from preschool, learning a common language was frustrating. It consumed so much of my time which I had previously spent developing my own personal language with the universe. Instead of “talking” telepathically to/through nature, I channeled all of that energy towards language development. Though I used the same words as they, the way in which I spoke them seemed to convey a different meaning—just like they did from person to person. For some, the word “hey” was a verbal defense to get me to stop what I was doing. To another, it was spoken with an inquisitive nature, as if to engage their curiosity. This wasn't the issue. The issue was that they all expected everyone else to understand what they meant while using words and concepts that varied from child to child.

Unfortunately, many of the other kids seemed to have forgotten how to “talk” without words in the same way we all did before we learned to physically speak. And so, when we feel we are unable to communicate properly, we become motivated to learn—in any way we believe is possible. However, one thing that I knew was essential to this synchronization of consciousness (telepathy) was to create similarities between myself and others in my environment. For that reason, as a child, I attempted to engage with other kids by imitating them, hoping to merge into them so I could communicate with them in a much simpler, precise language of energy.

The development of my ego structure was not necessarily something based around fighting over the scarcity of toys on the carpet of daycare. For the most part, I just played with Lincoln Logs. It kept my hands busy while my eyes scattered about the room, collecting the light from the others. My development of ego came from the patterned necessity of having to introduce myself to others in a way that was understood by them, in their language.

The “Me Too” Movement

“WE WERE TALKING ABOUT THE LOVE WE ALL COULD SHARE. WHEN WE FIND IT, TO TRY OUR BEST TO HOLD IT THERE WITH OUR LOVE. WITH OUR LOVE, WE COULD SAVE THE WORLD, IF THEY ONLY KNEW.” – “WITHIN YOU WITHOUT YOU” BY THE BEATLES

Any time that I introduced myself by using similarities, many of them would immediately return blank expressions or just go about doing what they wanted. Occasionally, however, they would engage. Sadly, with all of the distractions, these moments of reciprocity would only last momentarily, not long enough to pull them back into that brahmanic state where we could both communicate the same way we did before we used words.

This would require both individuals to disappear into one another, no longer able to discern the difference between bodies. This, of course, was incredibly difficult. It is the same issue we encounter when attempting to establish the same absolute definition of unconditional love for another person—seeing them as an equal energy in a different body. This is why I felt so much love with anyone in my life who was able to be vulnerable with me. Without fear, there was an intimate trust, broadcasting an invisible connection of unconditional love. It was upon that connection that all children speak—until we were led to be OF the world instead of just IN the world.

“THE MUSIC WAS NEW, BLACK POLISHED CHROME, AND CAME OVER THE SUMMER LIKE LIQUID NIGHT. THE DJ'S TOOK PILLS TO STAY AWAKE AND PLAYED FOR SEVEN DAYS. THEY WENT TO THE STUDIO AND SOMEONE KNEW HIM. SOMEONE KNEW THE TV SHOWMAN. HE CAME TO OUR HOMEROOM PARTY AND PLAYED RECORDS AND WHEN HE LEFT IN THE HOT NOON SUN AND WALKED TO HIS CAR, WE SAW THE CHOOKS HAD WRITTEN F-U-C-K ON HIS WINDSHIELD. HE WIPED IT OFF WITH A WHITE RAG AND SMILING COOLY DROVE AWAY. HE'S RICH. GOT A BIG CAR.” – “BLACK POLISHED CHROME” BY JIM MORRISON  

This connection—this love—is our original name. This was all of our original identity before we believed it was more important to speak, identify, and claim certain things that used to belong to everyone. When we started grabbing at specific things, we forced ourself to release others. As those patterns of energy fell away, the more time we spent in fear, the less likely we were to remember that they belonged to us—all of us.

One summer day, I was picked up by my mother from the yellow house for the final time. I said “goodbye” to the friends that I had made. I kept looking back at them as I walked to the car with my mother, hoping that I would never forget the things that were so important to me—and to us, collectively.

Unfortunately, my observations and differentiations clouded my mind. The name that I used to bear my identity brought with it an incredible weight, one that I would carry like an anchor of confusion for most of my life. Fortunately for me, however, I would always remain connected to my kingdom—if only to eventually reflect back upon these moments with enough clarity to draw from them again and again. And so, I always kept my original name, written in the stars. This was the name of the Eggman.

Keep Your Name

JD Stahl (11/22/2020) You should keep your name. You should keep your power, from the early mornings to the latest hour. You should keep your head high and shoulders back. Never release the grip on the definitions of self-born heroism you’ve chiseled out of these years. You should never turn back steps taken towards dreams that have carried to dawn, through the night. You shall never extinguish the light that brought me to your shores that one fateful night. You will keep your fullest identity and definition that destiny chose you to attain. Your divinity shall always remain, brighter than the stars from where you came. And if you allow, I will make it my duty that you never need me. But if wish, by your side, equally I shall be. For your desired will shall pull this body of energy. Holding space for you, indefinitely. I will see to it—without delay. Whether you pull me close or push me away. Our mirror shall always look the same. And you should keep your name.