(B01C20) Chapter 20: Gods and Dogs

All-Wheel Sprite Suspension

“AWAY FROM THE SIGHTS, THE SOUNDS, THE RIGID SCHEDULES—THE FROWNS, EXPECTATIONS, LABELS, COPIES OF PASSERS BY. THERE IS A PLACE WHERE I GO THAT NOBODY SEEMS TO KNOW. JUST LEAVE YOURSELF BEHIND. YOU MAY QUIET THE VOICES. YOU’RE FREE FROM ALL OF THEIR CHOICES...FOR YOU.” – “THE WAY” BY JD STAHL

Though I had toiled away many hours in front of the keyboard and computer screen, eventually I found the limits to my own development. Sure, games like Frogger, Karateka, Number Crunchers, Q-Bert, Spy Hunter, and Oregon Trail were incredible sources of differential perspectives, strategies, and patterns. However, after more than a year of taking my computer use to its full limitations, I felt the need to grow further. I could go into detail about the full breadth of what every single one of these games had taught me—and maybe I will in another book—but for the sake of the story, I will venture back into the measure of time from dilated spaces of infinity.

I will say that each game taught me an entirely different way to perceive the world. Adapting my entire self purely to focus on a specific set of instructions, goals, strategies, and varying levels of difficulty gave me insight as to how the external world around me also represented such a multiplicity. As I played each game, I identified with the avatar on the screen. Each one of these characters had a different objective, perspective, type of body, and personality.

Though the game did not go into much detail about Q-Bert's likes and dislikes, I had created a personality for the character based on his/her movements, reactions to threats, subtle mannerisms, and external forces in his/her immediate environment. In order to fully merge with each character, I had to put myself into their shoes and feel what they feel. By doing so, I could literally enter their world on a personal level so that I could command their energy of inspiration with an increased sense of subjectivity, compassion, and coherence.

I didn't just practice this method with computer games. I attempted to merge with pretty much anyone that was around me. The more I was able to view the world from different perspectives and situations, the greater number of averages I could stack on top of one another. Eventually, after enough data had been collected, I would be able to accurately see beyond each present moment. The past and future can be read like an open book if you are aware of how someone operates from within their subconscious IF, THEN, ELSE statements.

Normally, after about 5 minutes of emulating someone else, I would forget that I even existed. This ego death would pull me completely into their world. I could feel what they felt and by doing so identify will all possible intentions they could have on every level of their conscious and subconscious. Each word or action would show me their preferences. Their silence would reveal their confidence, fears, and efficacious deliberation of every present moment.

If they spoke, their words revealed not what was said, but more that they lacked full capacity to be aware of their silence. With great compassion, I applied myself to others without borders, simultaneously taking on their fears and pleasures—both interdependently akin to what awaited between. As I sat in the shared seat of peace between us, I observed them. What I did not yet know at such a young age was that this “game” I had been practicing with the world was actually teaching me how to love everything and everyone, unconditionally.

A Motel of Character

“YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME. BUT IF THE FEELING WAS RIGHT YOU MIGHT COMPREHEND ME. AND I DON'T CLAIM TO UNDERSTAND YOU. BUT I'VE BEEN LOOKING AROUND AND I HAVEN'T FOUND ANYBODY LIKE YOU.” – “YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME” BY THE RACONTEURS  

The simple 8-bit computer games could not match the complexity and challenge of observing others. Not only was I rewarded with a new set of strengths, but I increased my sense of compassion for everyone. Without everyone's unique differences and quirks, this “game” that I played would not be fun at all. And so, I developed an admiration for other people's uniqueness; without their differences, I would be totally bored, like I had eventually become with my computer.

The game avatars only could maintain a limited set of variables; as a result, their personalities were quite easy to assume. After each game became too predictable and flat, I sought greater and greater challenges. Since I had not yet reached this level of predictability with other people around me, I sought to apply myself to each and every person as if they were a completely different game. Soon, the world itself became my own personal arcade. Each person was a walking, talking, thinking console just waiting to be uncovered for the various treasures that the games I played before had rewarded me. Not only could I delve much deeper into increased complexity, but I could also acquire different strengths from each of them—just like I had done with my games.

Watching people so closely, without spoiling the sample set with my own involvement was quite difficult. I was conflicted by my own childlike enthusiasm. While I attempted to observe others, I was torn by my own desire to be accepted by them at the same time. In order to limit my own desires for acceptance and friendship I chose an alternative study medium—one that would protect me from my own desires for validation and attention. Until I could control these desires, I used television for practice. I had watched shows before; however, with this completely new perspective, everything was seen through brand new eyes.

“WELL, I KNOW I DON'T KNOW YOU AND YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT WHAT YOU SEEM. AW, BUT I'D SURE LIKE TO FIND OUT. SO WHY DON'T YOU CLIMB DOWN OFF THAT MOVIE SCREEN.” – “MRS. POTTER'S LULLABY” BY COUNTING CROWS

No longer were television shows and movies just another source of entertainment; now every show was a veritable cornucopia of differential perspectives, archetypes, strengths, and dimensions of reality. The options were seemingly endless. Every single character had a different set of personality traits, complete with different strengths, weaknesses, and subjective experiences. Since I was learning how to read patterns through the rules of (IF, THEN, ELSE) statements, watching movies and shows gave me a consistent set of information with which I could eventually synchronize my own mind. Eventually, I could reach a level of compassion with them that I would be sucked into their world—feeling how they felt, knowing what they knew, and believing what they believed.

In a sense, it was like watching a movie in a theater. After the lights go down and all of the peripheral distractions fade out of focus, we can easily forget that we are watching a movie in a theater at all. We become completely engrossed in what is projected on the screen. Until we have to use the restroom or are otherwise prompted to become consciously aware of our body and its location, we can easily “forget” where we are or that we even exist. In this way, we become emotionally connected to certain movies and actors' performances. To be able to have this level of focus at the drop of a hat—regardless of the circumstance, location, or external variables—is to consciously drop your ego at will and fully merge with the energy of focus.

This is difficult to do, however, if we maintain any fear, insecurity, judgment, or pride. Without these obstacles, there is no limit to what we can learn. Without even laboring or giving forth effort, this type of unconditional acceptance, compassion, forgiveness, and “love” is what allows us to increase our own conscious awareness for longer periods of time. This is what eventually leads to a greater awareness of interdependence, which returns us to balance between free will and self-mastery. If we are able to maintain longer periods of self-mastery, then identifying unique traits vs. consistent traits in our environment becomes easier and easier.

Packing Light

“THE ONLY DISTANCE BETWEEN US AND ABOVE IS WHAT WE NEED TO CONFRONT—TO SEE. BUT I HEAR YOU. I FEEL YOU. I DO. THE LOVE IN ME HAS BEEN SENT FROM YOU. BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH FALL HAS NOW COME, WE STILL CARRY THE HEAT OF THE SUN.” – “INTELLIGENT DESIGN” BY JD STAHL  

Whenever I merged with a character, I would feel myself collecting their light from within. The more people I could do this with, the better I felt. In a sense, you could say that I was consuming them, but without their losing anything during the process. As I emulated them, I would also absorb their strengths. I didn't necessary adopt their physicality, but I took on their mannerisms whenever I would project them from within. Doing so would give me a totally different perspective of my own world. If I ever had a problem that was similar to what I had observed, I would project the best archetype that could find a solution.

The more people I could emulate, the more confident I became. After doing this enough, I was able to feel completely prepared for whatever the world could present to me from moment to moment; I felt safe to be myself without taking other people's reactions personally. As I settled into this incredible feeling, I was at peace. Whenever I was at peace, I was able to release any rigidity so that I could return to my ideal state of innocence—the source of my unlimited potential and growth. In this space, I was free to be whatever I wanted.

“WELCOME TO THE BLACK NOISE. PROPHETIC AND HYPNOTIC LINES. BEHIND THE EYES. BRIGHTEST LIGHT. RECEIVING THE STARS. COLLECTING THE LIGHT. TO SHOW. TO EMBODY COLLECTIONS. TO MAKE ALL THE CORRECTIONS TO THE SUN AND SAVIOR MACHINE.” – “BLACK NOISE” BY JD STAHL

Understanding even one human being and their emotions is like swimming an endless sea of complexity. The more questions you have, the more answers are given. It would almost seem that the deeper I looked within a person, the more dimensions manifested within them. Regardless of how curious I was, I never reached the end of a person; I could only reach the same part of myself that I was either willing or unwilling to acknowledge.

These lines of logic were underwritten by bottomless caverns, filled with subjective definitions and personal observations. Over a lifetime of unique experiences constantly awaited my curiosity—each with an abundant well of lessons and strengths. In addition, anyone I observed with compassion would similarly reveal their own personal treasures from which I could learn. The more examples that I had of others, the less fear that I had whenever I plunged the depths of my own existence. Since I had become so accustomed to balancing myself with my environment, it just became natural for me to long for my exact opposite. Only in the reconciliation of these two sides could I return to balance.

The more I explored this opposite self, the closer I felt to both myself and the entire world. Eventually, I felt I could only find balance as a singular identity by identifying the consistent source that was within everyone. After all, this was the only thing that never changed, regardless of how many people I emulated. This source of inner light was as consistent with the sun as it was with all of the stars in the night's sky.

She Became Us All

JD Stahl (12/10/2020) She radiated the beauty of the ages. And she never let it lead her. Holding her grace with a well-drawn eye. She gave me sight, and I saw. Near and far, through windows and all. Her luminosity was—and is—unmatched. A keen portrait of a shining star. Dug deep into my time. And when my mind became untethered, And the streets became invisible, The people became her canvas. And her eyes were all I ever saw. Her grace became my salvation. And God, herself, took a bow To the creation that succeeded The greatness of total balance and beauty Now held confidently above The earth within her orbit. Her heart turned me into a crystal, And I died, Forever bathing in her light and reflection. And I was saved. Forever.

The Gray Period

“SOME PEOPLE SEEM SO OBSESSED WITH THE MORNING. GET UP EARLY JUST TO WATCH THE SUN RISE. SOME PEOPLE LIKE IT MORE WHEN THERE'S FIRE IN THE SKY. WORSHIP THE SUN WHEN IT'S HIGH. SOME PEOPLE GO FOR THOSE SULTRY EVENINGS, SIPPING COCKTAILS IN THE BLUE, RED AND GREY. BUT I LIKE EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY.” – “BLUE, RED, AND GRAY” BY THE WHO

Before going to school, my mother would wake me up around 6:00AM to get dressed and eat breakfast. While she was getting ready, she would set me in front of the downstairs television and turn on Nickelodeon. Early in the morning, there only two shows that would air on this channel before I had to leave for school at 7:00AM. Both of these shows were in black and white: Lassie and Dennis the Menace.

Though I loved watching these shows, I also enjoyed the time that I was alone. When nobody else in the house had awakened, I would sneak downstairs and sit in the living room. Without turning on the television, I would sit in silence. When my mother inquired about what I was doing and why I got up so early, I would comment on how peaceful it was. Even though this time existed in total silence, I told her I could “hear better.” I called this the “gray period” because the sun had not yet come up to bring the light and the colors into the house. It was during this time that I felt most capable to communicate with myself. Without all of the noise, distractions, and different energies from others, I felt most at “home” with myself.

So, when my mother would come down and turn on the television, I would be more capable of discerning the differences and similarities with the characters on screen. In a sense, I could better attune myself when I was able to establish a baseline with my own vibration. For about 30 minutes every morning, I would sit in silence, staring out the window until I could see the sun gift my eyes with the colors of the day. When I could attune myself with the unique slants of sunlight, I was reminded of who I was again. After merging with the sun, I could better read how the light that reflected off of the eyes of others.

A Higher Collie

“YOU KNOW, THE MAN'S BEST FRIEND IS HIS DOG... IF HE'S GOT NOTHING ELSE.” – JOHNNY CASH

One of the first models of character that I learned to admire wasn't even a human being; it was a dog. The first show that came on the television in the mornings before school was Lassie. This show was about the daily activities of a young boy named Timmy and his collie, named Lassie. In a sense, I guess you could say that I wanted to be like the character Timmy—mostly because he had a dog. Watching so much of this show and observing just how good of a friend that Lassie was to Timmy, I was a bit jealous. After all, the only friend who had ever matched such a level of devotion, dedication, sacrifice, and loyalty was an animal. Since our family did not yet have a pet, I lived vicariously through Timmy so that I could feel what it would be like to have a friend that would never ever lie to you or abandon you—not even as a joke or to test you.

Watching the show, I sought to identify myself with the main character, Timmy. I wondered what it would be like to communicate with an animal as well as he did. It seemed that no matter what he did or said, Lassie would always know exactly what to do. Even though Lassie could not speak English, Timmy always spoke to his pet as if it was any other person. Though they could only communicate through their energy, their bond was secure. In order to establish a relationship so intimate that they could communicate across the boundaries of man and animal, they had to first identify the place within each other that was same. In a sense, Timmy had to see himself in Lassie and vice versa. Placing myself in Timmy's shoes, I did my best to develop the part within my own heart that could identify with his animal companion.

Timmy, Can You Hear Me?

“SO MESSED UP, I WANT YOU HERE. IN MY ROOM, I WANT YOU HERE. NOW WE'RE GONNA BE FACE-TO-FACE. AND I'LL LAY RIGHT DOWN IN MY FAVORITE PLACE. AND NOW I WANNA BE YOUR DOG.” – “I WANNA BE YOUR DOG” BY THE STOOGES

With focused dedication, I did my best to identify all of the variables of each character as I had done with my computer games. Timmy was a child who enjoyed the simple things in life. Untouched by society's expectations and external priorities, Timmy insatiable curiosity would lead him to uncover many overlooked wonders of his world. His only true friend and companion was Lassie; a dog who often displayed an even greater maturity and wisdom than his childhood friend. Whenever Timmy would encounter trouble or conflict, Lassie would always rescue him. It also seemed that Lassie would always intervene as to ensure that the purity of Timmy's heart would always be restored back to its original state of purity. It was from this purity that both boy and dog were able to connect without words or awareness.

This was my first exposure to friendship. I did not have any close friends with whom I had spent any length of time. Therefore, I learned how to be a good friend in the same way that Lassie was a friend to Timmy. The qualities of loyalty, forgiveness, and persistent acceptance were the characteristics that I felt were necessary to make someone feel as I would in the presence of such a companion. It seemed as though these characteristics were necessary to be able to communicate from a place where words, language, or delivery were not misconstrued or mistranslated. To be able to connect on such a level—even across species—I had to learn how to speak from the heart. I learned that no matter who I was with, as long as I could develop this ability, I could assure myself that we could understand each other.

Being that I wanted a dog so much because of this type of bond, I felt the best way that I could gift someone else would be to give them the same type of connection that Lassie gave to Timmy. Even though I had set out to identify with Timmy's character, I recognized that in order to preserve my own purity and still have a friend, I had to emulate Lassie. Only then could I be assured that no matter who I befriended, they would always feel just as safe with me as Timmy did with his best friend, Lassie.

Menacing Men as Boys

“I WOKE UP TO THE NEIGHBOR'S DOG BARKING. VILE CREATURE, SHE ALWAYS WAKES ME UP. HOW I HATE HER! WHY SHOULD I WAKE UP PRECISELY FROM THE SOUNDS THAT THIS NASTY BRAT MAKES?” – VIDAM ZELAND (REALITY TRANSURFING)

After Lassie ended, the next show was Dennis the Menace. This show had a completely different dynamic altogether. There was no animal companion. The main relationship that I was able to identify within this show was between a young boy named Dennis and an older man—Dennis's neighbor Mr. Wilson. Dennis was quite different than Timmy. Because he didn't have a dog, Dennis found himself getting into trouble. I guess that's what happens when you aren't able to establish a true connection with another living thing like Timmy was able to do with Lassie. In the absence of such a true connection, many of us can find ourselves acting out in a way that ensures we will receive attention from the outside world.

Without someone or something to provide us reference, we would entirely lose our concept of self and other. So, when nothing exists for our voice or energy to bounce off of, we will find something to respond—come hell or high water. In the same way that some dogs will bark into the wind about pretty much nothing, our subconscious mind “barks” into itself as a way to identify the difference between the silence and the echo of a referential world. When we can identify our place within this environment, many of us can just identify with the part that receives. In truth, we are both parts, attempting to consolidate themselves into a singular energy living in multiple dimensions at once.

“WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE DOING? WHO IS THE FOOL, THE FOOL, OR THE FOOL THAT YOU ARE FOOLING? AND MAYBE I JUST DON'T SEE THE REASON. BUT IN THE CORE OF MY HEART YOUR IGNORANCE IS TREASON.” – “YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME” BY THE RACONTEURS

In a similar way, both self and environment are interrelated. Therefore, we can never be certain if we are the chicken or the egg—the cause or the effect. Again, we are both—the father and the son, the creator and the creation—both channeling energy until resolution is achieved. In our environment, these energies can become fragmented and channeled through others.

Even if these entities are not of blood relation, it doesn't mean that the things that peek over our fences and bark aren't a part of ourselves. If we are reactive to them, it only means that we identify them as either things we have yet to accept about ourselves or they are parts of us we left behind because of fear. Either way, our ignorance to our own duality is considered treasonous to the overall growth of our soul. It is our soul that is unified between all polarities, containing both and converging in all possible expressions of paradoxical duality: internal/external, creator/creation, masculine/feminine, physical/nonphysical, and so on.

When all of these polarities are resolved (balanced), no more darkness, ignorance, or absence of awareness will exist. In order to fully understand all facets of who we truly are, we must find the part within ourselves that is equally within everything and everyone in our environment. No matter what we try to push away, things that are meant to teach us will always find a way through any fence or boundary. Whatever we try to silence within ourselves will always find a way to express itself—through us from within or onto us from our environment. None of us can ever be truly sure that what happens to us isn't of our own doing. This is the law of karma (action).

Free (Mr.) Wilson

“YOU'RE A PEST. A MENACE. A SELFISH, SPOILED LITTLE BOY AND I'VE NO USE FOR YOU. YOU TOOK SOMETHING FROM ME THAT I CAN NEVER GET BACK, SOMETHING THAT MEANS MORE TO ME THAN YOU EVER WILL.” – MR. WILSON (DENNIS THE MENACE)

In the show, George Wilson. George (Mr. Wilson) was quite reluctant to offer Dennis any type of sensitivity or vulnerability. His cold and pessimistic exterior was a stark contrast to Dennis's haphazard presence. For the most part, Mr. Wilson viewed Dennis as a pest, as he was always causing a disturbance or interrupting George's quiet time. No matter what was going on in Mr. Wilson's life, it always seemed that Dennis would arrive at the worst time—as if to remind George that no matter what he did, he could never be happy with life until he released his grip on trying to control everything around him.

A perfect chaotic foil to Mr. Wilson's ordered solitude, Dennis would shout from a distance, announcing his eventual arrival surrounded by a whirlwind of destruction. No matter how much George attempted to maintain his quiet, peaceful, dust-free environment, the universe kept brining these two opposites together. Each time it did, lessons were presented from both sides. At the end of each episode, it became evident that both of these characters were each other's teacher and student—simultaneously.

However, even though their age difference was great, they shared the same qualities. There was a part in George that Dennis inherently knew he needed in order to find balance. Reciprocally, there was a part of Dennis that George had left behind so many years ago. Though they often disrupted each other's lives, both of these characters always seemed to find balance. When this happened, they understood each other from a place that could not be labeled or defined.

“SPEAKING TO BLUE OCEANS OF WONDER, THE FISH JUMP AND SNAP AT CONVICTION. CHALLENGED BY ONLY THE THUNDER THAT BREWS FROM HIS LOVE'S OWN RESTRICTION.” – “IN PURSUIT OF ALPHA” BY JD STAHL

Not only did I learn how to whistle from this show, but I also subconsciously absorbed a greater understanding of the commonalities between a young boy and an old, emotionally distant, father-like character. At first, I didn't draw the consistencies between this relationship and the one I had with my father. However, as time went on, the relationship dynamics seemed to be apparent. Even though I was rarely ever able to see my father shed his personality and become vulnerable, watching Dennis the Menace let me know that it was at least possible.

After this revelation, I was able to release a lot of fear and expectancy upon my father. More than that, I recognized that I wasn't at fault for my father's inability to convey his emotions. I just simply realized that there was something within me that my own father was forced to leave behind. Even if he wasn't jealous, he couldn't fully understand how I could be so reckless with something that he revered so much but felt forced to abandon: his own childlike wonder and innocence.

Dennis and George taught me that underneath every person—regardless of authority or age difference—was a human being that guarded themselves from pain or expectation. Men, no matter how deeply concealed behind cynicism or hard exteriors, had their reasons. Instead of increasing the emotional distance between one another, I was shown that it was best to love them regardless. Since all of us are continuously learning about who we are, the only way that our minds can remain open is if we not only remove our emotional defenses but also do our best to identify fully with the other person.

Without walking in another person's shoes, we can only attempt to understand someone as well as we understand ourselves. When all things become equal, our fear disappears. In the warm hand of our vulnerability, we all bloom—regardless of our age or how long we've relied on our emotional defense mechanisms. All it takes is a moment to raise the eternal innocence (child) we abandoned inside of us, long ago—before we first tasted fear.

Raising The Child

JD Stahl (08/18/2018) Don’t think I’m blind to these winds. Don’t think I’m deaf to these feelings. Every time you turn, I feel the wave. Anytime you lie, I dig the grave. Put down your shovel and believe in yourself. What do you have to lose? You’re already looking like hell. Raising this child ain’t no easy task. Half of the time he’s smarter than me. The other half he’s wearing the mask. Kept in confusion, he changes his story. His mind like the ocean, we sink every morning. An escape within dreams, lust gets the break. But during the day, I’ve got control to take. If you see in the night, please don’t tell me. I can only imagine what he does when he’s free. A whisper in the ear through music and sight. Is all I get to guide me after ridiculous nights. He keeps making me take him to the movies, And points out all the scenes he’s seen through me. But this 3D show has been making me crazy. And chasing him around makes me look lazy. They say it takes a village to raise a child. And this one has been waiting a while. I see impatience in the stares from their eyes. “Who’s in control?” As I try to keep him inside. I’m sorry if I seem like I’m new at this thing This unexpected child of mine, though a blessing. Looking back, remember struggling with your first, Always thinking your parenting was the worst? While he’s grabbing candy, I pay the tab. Please remember back when you were a new dad. This experience is something new and so wild. An exchange of patience while I’m raising this child?