(B01C23) Chapter 23: Constellated Conversations

The Day the Music Paused

“WELL, THAT'LL BE THE DAY WHEN YOU SAY GOODBYE. YES, THAT'LL BE THE DAY WHEN YOU MAKE ME CRY. YOU SAY YOU'RE GONNA LEAVE; YOU KNOW IT'S A LIE.” – “THAT'LL BE THE DAY” BY BUDDY HOLLY

In my small town of Boyertown, Pennsylvania, there was an old, single-screen movie theater that was built in 1912. State Theater was still in operation during my childhood. One of the first movies that I remember watching was a movie about rock legend Ritchie Valens. La Bamba was the name of the movie that showed the life—and death—of a Mexican-American rock and roll star from the 1950's. Before this, I had no prior exposure to this type of music. Honestly, I'm not really sure why my parents had taken me to see this. However, soon after I sat down in the theater seat next to my sister, this day would change my life forever.

The screen was enormous compared to the television that sat so reverently in my parent's living room. The theater was dark and the light that bounced off the screen consumed my entire peripheral vision. I was immediately pulled into the picture as if I was alive behind the screen. The sound was loud enough to drown out anything else that existed around me. Every one of my senses were overtaken to the point where I could no longer separate myself from the picture. It was as if I was alive in a dream.

The beginning of the movie began with the song “Sleepwalk” by Johnny and Santo. While the song was playing, the screen showed several young boys playing a pickup game of basketball in slow motion. While the camera panned slowly around the playground basketball court in a dusty border town somewhere near the Mexican border, the focus transitioned to a plane flying in the sky above. While the music continued to carry my ears dreamily along with the panning of the camera, the moment soon ended with an incredible “BANG.”

My body shook while I watched the two planes crash together in the sky. The music paused and was replaced by a loud explosion and a siren as the two planes burned and fell from the sky. I could feel a part of me leave when the music stopped. I had become so engrossed in this film that I felt a part of me was in that plane. No matter how hard I tried, the rest of the movie was spent trying to convince myself that I was still alive.

Realing on a Jet Plane

“WELL SHE ROCKS ME AND SHE TAKES ME ALL NIGHT LONG. WELL SOMETIMES, BABY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT MADE YOU JUMP. 'CAUSE YOU'VE GOT ME RUNNIN', YOU GOT ME ROLLIN' ALL NIGHT. WELL COME ON LITTLE BABY, COME & SHAKE WITH ME.” – “LET'S ROCK AND ROLL” BY RITCHIE VALENS

Never before had I been faced with this incredible amount of subjectivity in relation to a movie—or anything else for that matter. It would be as if you had just woken up from a dream where you were falling. However, instead of waking up just before you hit the ground, you died. When you woke up, instead of feeling as if you were safely returned to “reality,” instead you felt as if you were a ghost that was still disconnected to your body. It actually took more energy to convince myself that I was still alive than it did to recognize that I was just watching a move.

Believing in something so strongly with all of your focus and attention can be quite a breathtaking experience. In a sense, I had died in that theater. While I struggled with being dead, I came to peace with it. Instead of worrying about coming back to life, I instead channeled my energy into understanding what the entire moment was about. Being completely disconnected to my body, I felt as if I could channel the lead character to an even greater degree. No longer was I attached to my physical container or was able to limit my own personal experience to being solely identified to the vehicle; instead, I was the driver or “pilot” that still existed even after the crash. All of a sudden, this invisible entity that I previously communicated with no longer had a separate identity. Instead, it was as if I was thrust to fully identify with the invisible energy.

Since the subjective on-screen plane crash had so effectively removed my attachment to my physical self, there was nothing left to create a sense of separation from my thoughts and physical existence. Since my energy had to continue, I disconnected from my young body entirely and replaced my entire existence as a small reflection of light in the darkened theater. The flickers of the projector were all that was left of who I believed myself to be.

“WE'RE GONNA ROCK JUST ONE, TWO, THREE. AND NOW THAT I'M WINNING ALL MY NIGHT. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHERE TO FLY. SO COME ON, LET'S ROCK & ROLL. BECAUSE RIGHT ON ME YEAH YEAH NO MORE. WELL LET'S GO ONCE AGAIN ROUND & ROUND. NEVER NEVER STOP, JUST LOOKIN' AROUND. 'CAUSE I LOVE YOU SO. OH AND I'LL NEVER LET YOU GO.” – “LET'S ROCK AND ROLL” BY RITCHIE VALENS

I guess you could say that I fully embraced death in this moment. However, even after removing my attachment with my body, I recognized that the energy of my thoughts was still present. Even after the planes crashed, the part of my invisible energy still existed like a ghost in the darkness of the theater. I looked around and everyone was still focused on the screen. I felt like nobody could see me anymore—that I no longer existed in their world.

Even though this moment was incredibly frightening at first, I soon realized that I felt no pain. In fact, the release from my attachment to the external world made me feel so much more at peace than ever before. I was now free to travel through my imagination without being anchored or restricted whatsoever by my body. While the fuselage fell to the ground, I remained in the air—unseen—frozen outside of time.

“RISE UP THIS MORNING. SMILE WITH THE RISING SUN. THREE LITTLE BIRDS, PERCHED BY MY DOORSTEP. SINGING SWEET SONGS OF MELODIES PURE AND TRUE, SAYING, 'THIS IS MY MESSAGE TO YOU.'” – “THREE LITTLE BIRDS” BY BOB MARLEY

I still have memory of the movie, yet a portion of my consciousness became entirely untethered to my body, allowing me to travel pretty much wherever I wanted. It would take the whole of my life to recognize and “re-member” the next several months of my life. On the surface, I became somewhat catatonic—at least from the perspective of my physical ego self. Internally, however, I was able to return to any moment in time, travel to anywhere in space, and learn just about anything that I wanted to know.

By the end of the movie, I learned that the plane crash was actually a foreshadowing of what led to the death of 3 major music icons: Ritchie Valens, Buddy Holly, and the Big Bopper. In a weird way, I felt as if all 3 of them were with me, singing their songs. The songs from the movie still echoed in my brain for long after I had left the movie theater. Eventually, I purchased the movie soundtrack on a cassette tape and listened to it over and over again. Something beyond my control was pulling me to learn more and more about these musicians—through their words and music. It was almost as if they were trying to talk to me; trying to tell me something.

Heads Up 1-UP

“I GOT MY HEAD CHECKED BY A JUMBO JET. IT WASN'T EASY. BUT NOTHING IS, NO.” – “SONG 2” BY BLUR

Luckily for me, at the end of the movie when the lights came back on in the theater, they were calling out numbers on the movie tickets for a raffle drawing. The numbers that they called out would be given free admission to another movie. I had never won anything before. So, when they called out my ticket number and realized that I had won a free ticket, all of the worry that I felt during the move was completely outshined. It was like getting a “free life” in a computer game.

Unfortunately, the excitement from winning the free ticket only lasted so long. Eventually, my mind started swinging through two completely different states of mind. One state was my normal happy-go-lucky childlike self. The other was somewhat removed from the physical world around me. Whenever I was at school—walking down the hallway or daydreaming—I would think about the on-screen plane crash. While I attempted to understand the impact of what had occurred in the movie theater, I would occasionally “lose time” and enter these catatonic states. My eyes would stare off into the distance until I would eventually return back to my body.

“IF YOU LEND A HAND TO EVERY NEEDY MAN. AND YOU TREAT HIM LIKE HE'S YOUR FRIEND. AND YOUR CONSCIENCE TELLS YOU YOU'VE DONE WHAT'S RIGHT. THEN THERE'S SOMEONE WHO'S WATCHING OVER YOU TONIGHT.” – “SOMEONE'S WATCHING OVER YOU” BY THE BIG BOPPER

The next six months was like a lucid dream. I vaguely recall looking at the ground when I was walking, making sure that I wouldn't step on any cracks in the sidewalk or lines on the school floor tiles. Out of nowhere, I had developed a strange belief that if I stepped on any of those lines that I would undoubtedly die in a plane crash. Even though I had not yet taken a plane ride in my life, I still believed that I was destined to meet the same ends as the musicians in the movie. Instead of being sociable with other students, I became withdrawn. Whenever I even attempted to talk to other people, it made me uncomfortable.

When I lost time and would come back into my body, I would have strange lingering memories that I had been sitting at a table with someone, drawing pictures and answering questions. The things that I remember talking about were conveyed through various drawings, concepts, designs, and other technological ideas like fiber optics and renewable energy. At the time, when I would come back into my body, I wouldn't have enough information about any of these ideas to become conscious of them in my physical self. It would take years after being introduced to these sciences and technology for the memory to establish itself enough to be able to recall these temporary states of hypnosis.

However, whenever my schooling would introduce certain topics regarding science or technology, it seemed as though my brain had already been wired to understand these advanced theories. It was like having a library full of information that was hidden behind veils of inexperience. Whenever any of these veils were lifted, I would be able to recall and explain informative concepts and theories with which I had no prior exposure.

Extratemporal Faxination

“I GOT MY HEAD DONE WHEN I WAS YOUNG. IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.” – “SONG 2” BY BLUR  

The first experience with being able to recall information without ever reading about it or studying it was in grade school when we were asked to create a diorama for a science project. While other kids in my class were reporting on the weather patterns, I created something that I affectionately named “The Food Fax.” This design was akin to the fax machine, but with food.

In the project, I outlined how the physical matter in the food could be scanned by the machine so that the molecular composition of the items could be transmitted wirelessly through the air to be reconstructed by an particle accelerator on the other end. Since each receiver was loaded with radioactive matter in raw potentiated form, it could reconstruct any other element in the periodic table. Therefore, after the receiver would wirelessly analyze the composition, it would be able to atomically reconstruct each item while eliminating degradation. Essentially, even if the food had gone bad, this machine would be able to “fix” the molecular impurities during reconstruction.

“I THINK, THEREFORE I AM.” – RENEE DESCARTES

Even though none of these advanced scientific concepts had been introduced in class, I was able to pull them virtually out of thin air. When I turned it in, I remember receiving a good grade. The other kids looked at me somewhat strangely, but I really didn't seem to mind. It felt incredible to be able to communicate with the part of myself that I had previously maintained such close contact. However, ever since I stepped out of the movie theater, my invisible partner seemed to have so much more to tell me—about everything. It was almost as if my entire brain had undergone some type of neurological transplant, but without the physical surgery.

The funny thing about the food fax idea was that when I was working on it, I actually considered if this concept could be used to transport or “beam” humans from one place to another. I went with inanimate or “dead” objects because I couldn't yet understand how to recreate static electric consciousness or memories from one end to the other. While this caused me to think about what exactly memories and consciousness were in relation to the physical body, I never really settled on a singular theory. I guess that was just another thing that would rise to the top of my mind after I would be introduced to the basic concepts or neurology and metaphysics. I shrugged my shoulders and just decided to stick to food.

Cream 3

JD Stahl (11/04/2017) How did I forget I was one of the Cream? Signatures in pictures. This movie: a scene. Transformations and situations thrown in time. I see us all voicing the illusion for our team. I know we’re all watching us struggle through. Bumping into each other and finding us new. But when did this all fall off the rails? How did this happen that I am now you? Who’s next to witness these tests? Partake in this story like I see all the rest. Changing faces pressed against the glass. Another cryptic mystic, scratching to pass. There’s a reason why you’ve all come to sink. Journaling the past so you can see what I think. Now I’m awake and it’s making me split. I see what I am—and been—and now I’m a shrink. Unravel, unfold; I’m a story, I’m told. This is when every one of me gets to go. And make an appearance in this life that you made. Another Rorschach mind mixed up in snow. And this silly little games that I’ve played. Stuck to the ground. Is there another way? My brothers and sisters await my release. This genius was born inside me to stay. And I know that one day I’ll be home safe. I know I promised that you wouldn’t have to wait. Stop me in time so I won’t be left aging. I overshot this synchronistic date too late. Don’t forget all of the drawings I’ve made. All of the people within me will not fade. And every single time that I’ve come through Is all a testament of my devotion to you.

Talking to Strangers

“WON'T YOU LISTEN? WHEN I FIRST MET YOU, DIDN'T REALIZE. I CAN'T FORGET YOU OR YOUR SURPRISE. YOU INTRODUCED ME TO MY MIND AND LEFT ME WANTING YOU AND YOUR KIND. OH, YEAH I LOVE YOU.” – “SWEET LEAF” BY BLACK SABBATH

Then, one day, all of a sudden it was over. After the 6 months had ended, I was returned to my normal state of awareness. I had this strange feeling that my body was “borrowed” by something else entirely. At the end of this short period, I stopped dropping out of time and was able to take control of my physical body again—without being forced out or overtaken by something much stronger. Even though I was excited to no longer be concerned by walking on lines in the pavement or drifting off for hours—or days—at a time, I really didn't waste too much time thinking about it. I did, however, feel as if this experience had strengthened me in certain ways that I was not previously capable of understanding.

There was a version of me that was in primary control of my physical body—the part of me that would know my family and talk to people that I had known in my youth. Then, there was another part of me—stuck in the back of my mind—that was full of information. Whenever I would need to answer a question or better understand something, this part of my brain would help me out by projecting a vision in my subconscious.

My memory became clearer and I no longer stressed about studying. All I really had to do was be in the room while things were being presented. Even if I wasn't actively paying attention, there was a part of my brain that was—and was taking detailed notes the whole time. When test time came around, I would just show up and write down the correct answers—unless, of course, my ego would get in the way and insist on something without consulting this deeper part of my intuition.

The younger version of my conscious mind was not yet capable of conceptualizing what had occurred after fully accepting death and disconnecting from my physical reality. Since I had untethered myself to anything that had linearity or limitations in time, I transferred my conscious association with the energy of my internal dialogue (consciousness). Even though I had never been previously introduced to these advanced concepts, it didn't matter. Like I said, just because you don't have a word for something doesn't mean that you can't remember what it looks like when you see it again.

What had actually occurred in that moment of release was far beyond any concept that was available at the time. I had connected with the energy of my consciousness (the “Force”) from outside of spacetime. By no longer being dependent on my physical identity to restrict me, I established a yoke with the nonphysical world. At the time, I just considered this presence in singular form—like I had done when I was younger. However, this “other me” seemed to know all of the answers to pretty much everything. It would almost seem more appropriate to credit multiple people rather than claiming a singular identity. However, at this time in my life, I was not yet introduced to the concept of multiplicity or the existence of a multiverse of various timelines.

“IS IT WRONG TO UNDERSTAND THE FEAR THAT DWELLS INSIDE A MAN? WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BE ALONE? I LIKEN IT TO A BALLOON. I DANCED MYSELF OUT OF THE WOMB. I DANCED MYSELF OUT OF THE WOMB. IS IT STRANGE TO DANCE SO SOON?” – “COSMIC DANCER” BY T-REX

All I needed to unlock the doors to unlimited wisdom was to believe my intuition without seeking validation. This ability was only possible if I trusted myself to understand things that the rest of the world may reject or deny. My greatest challenge became my search for self-confidence, not necessarily for information. The more that I trusted myself, the more intuitive wisdom and information that I could pull through the veil and use to guide me in my physical reality. It was as if I had internet access with my mind, way before the internet had even existed.

Unfortunately, trying to do this as a child is difficult. Few people are capable of “allowing” people who are younger than they to exhibit a greater breadth of knowledge or intellectual capacity. For this reason, I often saw the world around me similar to how someone would perceive going to work. In order to have my ideas survive, I had to pretend I wasn't as intelligent—else I would be singled out and forced to deny my truth for the sake of the fragile egos of other adults.

Whenever I would get worried, stressed, or bothered enough, I would withdraw myself from my environment long enough to process my thoughts—just like I was doing in Montessori School. During these moments of reflection, this greater part of my mind would explain things in a language that I understood, eventually returning me to my state of peace.

Even though these interventions had been going on pretty much since birth, the shock experienced in the movie had pushed me to consider the actual difference between which part of me was thinking and which part existed solely in my body. As the lines between physical and nonphysical existence blurred together, I became able to work cooperatively with this presence rather than simply being a passive observer of its paragraph-form dialogue.

I Remember Tomorrow

JD Stahl (06/01/2017) Every day when I wake up, In the mirror I'm aging. Every step that I take, But my future keeps changing. And I remember tomorrow. I can be one in a million. It all depends on the weather. Of wings and waves in the air. My head in the clouds forever. And I remember tomorrow. It all gets so confusing. For the switch I am waiting. By then, the winning is losing. I fall when anticipating. Then I can hear all of your sorrows. By the time my eyes find you, I've sunk back into the ocean. I feel your eyes all around me. Through the winds I gather emotion. Why must I wait for tomorrow? Open your ears to the words I carry. You think you battle frustration? Most of your lives are absent divinity, Built around patterned elation. Have you already sold your tomorrow? You want me to be the example? The surprise ending is that I'm just...a lesson. Absorbing your energy. But I'm not your enemy. Because I remember tomorrow.