(B02C04) Chapter 4: Public Transformation

The Nu Kid in Town

“THERE'S TALK ON THE STREET IT SOUNDS SO FAMILIAR. GREAT EXPECTATIONS. EVERYBODY'S WATCHING YOU. PEOPLE YOU MEET THEY ALL SEEM TO KNOW YOU. EVEN YOUR OLD FRIENDS TREAT YOU LIKE YOU'RE SOMETHING NEW.” – “THE NEW KID IN TOWN” BY THE EAGLES

For whatever reason, I went to a different elementary school from my sister. While I was at Montessori School, Amy went to a public school, one of several elementary schools in the school district. After completing first grade at Montessori, my mother decided to enroll me into a public school in the same district as my sister. Again, however, while she attended one elementary school, I was to attend another—a school that was about a mile away from my family's home.

Even though I was a bit confused about my change of schools—because I really loved Montessori School—I was excited about meeting new people and experience a different learning enthronement. Honestly, any time that I experienced a lack of predictability or my normal schedule was altered even the slightest bit, I became a bit nervous. Not knowing what to expect is, after all, one of the primary sources of stress. Considering that I was very protective of my internal peace, I always sought to ensure that I would have time where I could remove myself from various situations to ensure that I would be able to process new information and experiences, else I would begin to feel uncomfortable.

Combines in the Rye

“I USED TO LIVE IN A ROOM FULL OF MIRRORS. ALL I COULD SEE WAS ME. THEN I TAKE MY SPIRIT AND I SMASH MY MIRRORS. AND NOW THE WHOLE WORLD IS HERE FOR ME TO SEE.” – “ROOM FULL OF MIRRORS” BY JIMI HENDRIX

Unfortunately, public school was quite different from private school. Not only were the class sizes much larger, but classes were structured without much independent study time. Because I was unaware of these differences, I was excited about attending a new school. Instead of focusing on the things I couldn't change, I instead considered all of the possibilities. I was allured by the idea of meeting new people and making friends. What I was not prepared for, however, were the challenges of doing so while maintaining a peaceful internal environment.

My best friend before attending public school was, essentially, a computer. Because all of the possible variables were fixed, I never experienced a loss of predictability associated with different personalities, reactions, or other complex sets of personality characteristics. For this reason, I really didn't experience any fears or social anxiety that are normally introduced in various social situations. Sure, I spent time with my sister, my cousins, and the rest of my family, but we were all so much alike that we all seemed to share the same vibration. Also, there were never feelings that any of us were competing against one another. Without the presence of fear or emotional distance, not much was left to be processed, considered, or otherwise decoded for reasoning.

“CLING ONLY TO THIS BREATH WE SHARE. THE WEIGHT OF THE WOLD HAS DREAMT OF THE DAY, WHERE FEARS ARE ONLY ACTORS WITHIN THE PLAY.” – “BUT TO BE” BY JD STAHL

The problem with social anxiety is an empathic expectation to “share” oneself with whoever you are around. Whenever fear becomes a dominant emotion in these social situations, any of us may feel forced or expected to give of themselves in ways they wouldn't normally consider if fear were absent. This is the case of personality fragmentation. As a consolation to our fears and anxiety, in order to avoid competing for personality dominance, we can “give away” archetypes in our personality so that we can honor the other person's presence. Otherwise, of course, we could appear to be arrogant, narcissistic, or otherwise inconsiderate of someone else's existence. To not give these considerations to another person would be tantamount to perceiving them as a mirror that you own. And so, to avoid this slavery dynamic of “owning” everyone you meet, we create a sense of distance—but only so that we can honor them.

Unfortunately, balancing both projection and empathy can be tricky at first. Human nature hinges on being able to fully devote ourselves and attentions to that which we are engaged. From moment to moment, we shift our focus from one person or thing to another. Every time that we shift, our senses temporarily lock onto the active priority. In order to maximize our sensory input, we fully engage ourselves. As a result, we must release our own consideration—at least temporarily. The more we practice socializing with others, on a subconscious level we are weaving in and out of duality. Like a wave form, we go from selfless focus to selfish consideration. Essentially, we listen with full attention; whenever there are pauses, we filter the new information through our perceptual models of who we are and the circumstances upon which the new information can be applied.

Fruit of the Loops

“THE FUTURE IS COMING DOWN THE LINE. I JUST WANNA KNOW IF YOU’RE WITH ME THIS TIME. I’VE BEEN FRANTICALLY SEARCHING BEHIND THEIR EYES. BUT MY HEART WON’T PLAY WITH THE HYPNOTIZED.” – “GLITCHES” BY JD STAHL

As children, we actually have more practice being unrestricted to ego. Basically, we have not yet solidified a singular persona. Because of that, it is easier to absorb all types of energy. While in our innocence, we are not fighting ourselves or otherwise in our own way when we are learning. It is only after experiencing fear or insecurity that our ego identifications begin to solidify enough that their opacity becomes a barrier to our education or socialization. Unfortunately, because this ego development has solidified subconsciously (not consciously) due to fear, we are not always capable of remaining cognizant of the various shifts we make while processing information from our senses to our long-term memory.

If you listen to a computer copying information off of a floppy disk, you can put your ear to the machine and hear the clicking and ticking of the disk drive separately from the hard drive. While one medium is being read, the other pauses. When reading pauses, the other medium acts up and begins to write what is held in the RAM (random access or short-term memory). Our brains work similarly; however, we are not actively conscious of this process. Because we lack awareness to the threading process of our rational mind to our sensory inputs, we can get confused or hypnotized (like watching a swinging pendulum).

“IN A PASSION THAT SITS BEHIND WATCHFUL EYES. OPEN AND CLOSING, THE MIXING OF COLORS. BLEND AND BLEED FACES AROUND EYES. THROUGH EVERY SEASON, THE YEARS OF TIME. WHAT’S MINE HAS BEEN YOURS, AND YOU’VE BEEN MINE.” – “TEN THOUSAND YEARS OVER” BY JD STAHL

Often, our psyche gets caught up in loops, holding onto either a passive or active role. We remain in that role until we are reset or “rebooted” in sleep or other creative activities that can provide a pause from the yoke between our working consciousness and our rational minds. We require a clutch-like release of the two in order to allow our subconscious to return our perceptual state back to clarity. It is only in clarity that we can process new information. Simply because there were no adults or teachers to explain to us the concept of projection vs. reflection, we can very easily become lost to our own fears and insecurities.

Panicking, we begin to add complexity to our simplistic code; in each addition, we poke another hole in our soul's energy, causing parts of our wholeness to bleed out into the eyes of those we seek to love or understand. Whether these parts of our identity are perceived as positive or negative, each archetypal polarity causes us to shed our sovereign power. The more power we sacrifice through projective denial, the more dependent we are on our external environments. We can only escape our mental loops by satisfying the conditions that caused us to remain “hung” in repetitive cycles. Unfortunately, instead of reconciling ourselves with simplicity, we create additional complexity, adding lines of code to our perceptual morality, eventually causing environmental codependency.

Eventually, we create enough psychological complexity that we feel we have to compete against others for what we can so easily call back to us immediately through practices of self-love and unconditional acceptance. To deny any expression of our potential—creative or destructive—is to deny our divinity. Therefore, it can be considered our “homework” to accept all possible extensions of our soul's energy while still remaining consciously aware enough to only use those energies in accordance with a coded morality that best achieves balance under any circumstances—internally and externally.

Looking to Give Myself Away

“WAIT A MINUTE, MAN. YOU GOT THE WRONG GUY. BUT I GAVE MYSELF AWAY WITH JUST A LOOK IN HIS EYE.” – “NEGLECT” BY JD STAHL

The first people that we gravitate towards in social situations are those who we feel (vibrationally) can honor our most sensitive or vulnerable attributes without fear. For this reason, the purest part of our hearts speaks first, directing our eyes and ears towards those who maintain stronger senses of vulnerability. How this vulnerability is expressed depends on the individual and their own personal set of defense mechanisms. Many sensitive people wear spikes to balance out their fragility, while others proceed with reckless abandon, often inviting others to take advantage of them. Again, our expression of these energies varies based on the specific archetypes that we have identified in early childhood.

When we experience fear or anxiety, we often automatically revert to those models we perceive as the most confident and protected. Whenever the energy or conditions change, we slowly transform ourselves to another archetype. Each personality that we shift to is intended to maximize every experience. However, if we are crippled by fear, we will identify ourselves with the version of ourselves that provides us with the best armor. The more fear we have, the fewer parts of ourselves that we will recognize, until we are imprisoned in a few—or one.

In order to establish empathy with the world around us, we extend various aspects of our multitudinous personality towards others, giving the best ones to the people that we feel we can trust. In the eyes of everyone we meet is a mirror—a picture of a part of us that can be received without protest. In these individuals we often credit with positive or negative parts of our own identity—at least until we can view either polarity from a perspective of unbearable compassion.

School Bus Fuses

“ALWAYS SEEMS TO ME, YOU ONLY SEE WHAT PEOPLE WANT YOU TO SEE. HOW LONG'S IT GONNA BE BEFORE WE GET ON THE BUS AND CAUSE NO FUSS. GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF, IT DON'T COST MUCH.” – “WHATEVER” BY OASIS

The morning of my very first day of public school, I was driven early in the morning to my grandparents' house. I was expected to catch the school bus that maintained a stop a few yards away from their front door. Since public school started a bit later than Montessori, my mother was unable to drop me off; she had to go to work. Either way, it was great to see my grandparents. Just being around them made me feel safe enough to drown any fears that I had in the back of my mind pertaining to this brand-new school experience.

Soon after I walked to the end of the block, the bus pulled up and stopped. I waved goodbye to my grandmother and took my very first steps on the school bus. The smell of the thick vinyl seats and diesel fuel filled my nose. I looked to the back of the bus and saw tired faces, each one awash with various degrees of excitement and early-morning bitterness. As I slowly made my way towards the back, I looked around, hoping to locate the presence of familiar and safe energy. As I walked down the aisle, I made eye contact with a young boy who appeared to be the same age. When my eyes met his, he smiled and invited me to sit next to him.

The boy's name was Jesse. I could tell by his smile and the sparkle in his eyes that he shared the same emotional sincerities that I felt were my greatest source of joyful innocence. Being that this quality also required the most vulnerability to my emotions, it made sense that I sought out to identify its likeness in another. As I said, whenever we are out of our normal element, the qualities we seek first are those which dually satisfy the defensive mechanisms that can best protect our vulnerabilities from various abuses. We can either seek out similar aggressions or we can find solace in the eyes of another.

Aggressive Passivity

“NON-PARTICIPATORY IN POPULAR POLARITY. SITTING PEACEFULLY WITHIN EQUANIMITY. NO NEGATIVITY. EMBRACING PASSIVITY. YOUR FEARS ARE NO LONGER MY REALITY. IMAGINATION INSPIRED WAVES OF SPONTANEITY. A WAR RAGES IF YOU ATTEMPT TO CAGE WHAT’S NOW FREE. I HAVE NOTHING TO PROVE, YOU SEE.” – “THE KING OF NOTHING” BY JD STAHL

After spending enough time with other boys my age, I learned enough to withdrawal from the nonsensical type of aggression that many of them felt were necessary to participate in some energetic “turf war” with others around them—as if alpha dominance was impressed upon them at an early age as something that was necessary for their survival. Unfortunately, what few boys (and girls) are taught is that such dominance can be achieved either defensively through physical aggression or progressively by displaying a certain strength and confidence in emotional vulnerability and honesty.

I'm not saying that one is more important than the other; however, I am saying that when we are able to master our emotions, both aspects of our internal and external dichotomy cancel each other out, releasing our fears and their correlate dependencies on the external world. Until we can identify ourselves as the energy that created those dependencies, we cannot reconcile the difference between who we truly are and the meta-identities that we created to serve the creator of our rational mind's “lesser” entities (personas). The difference is, of course, is that the creator has nothing to fear; it is unable to lose any part of its wholeness. The minute we even entertain the possibility of loss, we identify ourselves with one of our many masks.

Unfortunately, the consciousness of society at the time did not quite recognize the balance that was required for such self-mastery. Instead, when boys exhibit a balance of both masculine and feminine qualities, they are often identified as “weak” or given some other derogatory label that singles them out to their peers. It was for this reason that I subconsciously sought out to identify the most vulnerable qualities of my balance in another male. When I saw the smile on Jesse's face, I knew that I had made a friend. It never occurred in my mind for even a second that someone who understood that level of sensitivity could ever intentionally hurt or betray me while I was channeling my most authentic self.

Speaking From the Heart

“WE OFTEN THINK THAT VULNERABILITY IS A KIND OF WEAKNESS, BUT THERE'S A KIND OF VULNERABILITY THAT IS ACTUALLY STRENGTH AND PRESENCE.” – RAM DASS

Since making my new (human) friend, I felt confident, validated enough to reveal my sensitive nature to others without recanting. Even if Jesse went his separate way when we arrived at school, I no longer doubted that my vulnerable nature was at all “strange.” Behind his blue eyes, Jesse held a part of me that we both shared, letting me know that keeping an open heart without physical defense was not only possible, but was enough to make someone feel “safe” to be who they truly were. Whether we are willing to claim this sensitive nature within ourselves or not, the energy exists. It is only when we are given certain models of character that we reveal to ourselves how we feel about our own sensitivities.

When I sat next to Jesse, he introduced himself; he even let me sit by the window. As we continued to talk, he took his hand and swept my shaggy blonde hair and tucked it behind my ear. Any fears that I previously had associated to self-defense (physical or emotional) just melted into the dark green vinyl bus seat. I had only one or two boys at Montessori that I felt I could trust with my emotional vulnerability; it was nice to know that I wouldn't be alone on my quest for sincerity at my new school.

This type of emotional vulnerability, of course, was my primary language of communication. It was really the only source of truth; without emotional expression, everything becomes defensive, false—primarily physical in nature. Because of this, I avoided those who seemed to play games with my emotions, only reserving my efforts and attentions to those who displayed a certain level of sincerity. It was a waste of my precious processing time to expend myself towards anyone who was not willing to reveal their soul to me. Without trust, there is no love; without love, all we do is create more reasons for separation (sin). As I already learned, fragmenting truth in any way creates distance, with requires time.

I had, by then, been able to observe people well enough to know when someone was actually interested in conversing or if they would prefer to be left alone. I had been shooed away plenty of times by at least one male that didn't seem interested in my specific style of socializing. I was seen by many to be somewhat “intense” with my enthusiasm and excitement. However, I never even thought to compare myself to anyone. Because of that, I was always living my life from within, rarely considering how other people saw me. By the time that I was 5 years old, I learned that how other people lived was really none of my business; and so, my only job was just to find unconditional acceptance of them so that I could be an environment where they could return to their greatest source of authenticity.

Splintered Sunlight Superman

"WHEN I LOOK OUT MY WINDOW, MANY SIGHTS TO SEE. AND WHEN I LOOK IN MY WINDOW.  SO MANY DIFFERENT PEOPLE TO BE. THAT IT'S STRANGE, SO STRANGE.” – “SEASON OF THE WITCH” BY DONOVAN 

As I said before, our primary instinct is to either protect ourselves against possible threats or establish a sense of unity that validates and grounds our presence in social situations. Even though my first priority was to identify someone who shared my greatest vulnerabilities, it surely didn't mean that I wasn't capable of displaying every single other aspect of myself. Not only did I play karate-fighting computer games, but I was also bigger than other kids my age. I was well aware that I had the capacity to defend myself—if need be. The difference was that I never really saw any situation to be dangerous enough to even consider creating unnecessary competition with other boys my age. I guess I was comfortable enough in who I was that I never felt threatened by anyone. Because of this confidence, I chose to create more unity than to instill a sense of competition or comparison with other kids my age.

The identification that I made with my personal self-control and discipline was based on maintaining a sense of inner peace that eliminated any fears that would cause me to rouse any self-defensive nature. Instead of giving other kids a reason to question if they were safe with me, I kept my curiosities towards aggression and competition separate—reserving those notions to my computer games. Whenever I would get out from behind the computer screen, I played a different game—one that was much more challenging than kicking and punching. It was much more difficult to remain vulnerable and establish a sense of confidence that negated any environmental conditions.

However, since I was out of my element on my first day at a new school, I admit to sitting with enough self-doubt that I sought validation. Since all of these emotional states were as temporary as the levels on a computer game or a 22-minute television show, I knew that I would eventually be able to reconcile them and process them whenever I found the time to be alone. No matter what accrued during the day, I could always just stare off into the distance and process all of the information through my IF, THEN, ELSE filter until I could again categorize all of the energy and separate out anything that wasn't truth, love, or acceptance.

Stepping in the Cold Brook

“I NEED TO WASH MYSELF AGAIN TO HIDE ALL THE DIRT AND PAIN, 'CAUSE I'D BE SCARED THAT THERE'S NOTHING UNDERNEATH. AND WHO ARE MY REAL FRIENDS? HAVE THEY ALL GOT THE BENDS? AM I REALLY SINKING THIS LOW?” – “THE BENDS” BY RADIOHEAD

When the bus arrived at my new school, Jess and I went our separate ways. Even though we were in the same grade, he was assigned a different teacher. Down the hall we were led to our classrooms. When I walked through the door, I looked around to see another group of unfamiliar faces. I knew that I was going to have to do the same thing in here that I did when I got on the bus. I guess you could consider this the “next level” of difficulty, testing me to see if I would choose to establish unity, seek my defensive nature, or completely hide myself and avoid the challenges that came with making new friends.

Fortunately, because my last experience with Jesse was so positive, I had more confidence to mingle amongst others and be sociable. While the rest of us waited for the remaining buses to drop off the other children, I scanned the room to find someone who appeared to be trustworthy enough to smile without hesitation or self-defense. Just like every other moment in our lives, if we are sincere enough about what we want, we will surely find it.

Again, I gravitated to another gentle soul. I sat next to a boy who introduced himself as Brian. Brian, like Jesse, was different than the other males in the room. His grin was as innocent and fragile. I could tell that we were alike, insomuch that our “neutral” emotional state was sincere and authentic. Neither of us projected any expectation on the other to compete for the energy or identity that we wanted to embody.

The first thing that the class was asked to complete was a one-page worksheet. On the paper, we were asked our name, basic interests, and a few short questions that pertained to our interests and hobbies. One of the blank spaces inquired about the name of your best friend. As I quickly completed the worksheet, I hesitated on the “best friend” question. It occurred to me in that moment that I didn't have anyone's name to put in that spot. For the first 7 years of my life, I was unable to identify a single person—outside my family—that I could identify as a “friend,” let alone “best friend.”

This may have been the very first moment in a school setting that I felt incapable of providing a correct answer; it was the first time that I felt inadequately prepared for an assignment. As a result, I doubted myself and immediately felt a wave of insecurity pass through me. I could feel my nerves tighten up a bit and I started to look around the room for anyone that I recognized enough to fill out the blank space on my sheet. This was the hardest test question I had ever been asked; I really didn't have an answer.

With eyes of desperation, I looked at Brian and asked him if he would be my best friend. He acted very surprised that I would list him—because it wasn't even 5 minutes after our first introduction. Luckily, he affirmed my request and I printed his name on my sheet. Afterwards, I felt my nerves release. Once my worksheet was completely filled out, I relaxed a bit. Yet, from that moment, I struggled to understand exactly why I didn't have a “best friend” like the other kids in class. It was from this point that I shifted my priorities from my internal kingdom to the external Ala-carte menu of various personas, externally embodied in the children sitting around me.

“THE CRACKS BETWEEN THE PAVING STONES, LIKE RIVERS OF FLOWING VEINS. STRANGE PEOPLE WHO KNOW ME, PEEPING FROM BEHIND EVERY WINDOW PANE.” – “THE REAL ME” BY THE WHO

It was uncomfortable for me to feel as nervous as I was, especially when other children around me seemed to answer that question so easily. In fact, this may have been the first moment that I felt “stupid” in comparison to the other kids around me. I guess you could say that it was traumatic; the impact of this moment created a subcategory programming code that prioritized external validation. Before this moment, the external world had not been designated with such authorization to affect my perception of wholeness. In order to protect myself from ever facing the same fears that I felt while filling out this worksheet, I made it a point to always make sure that I could identify someone (real) as a “best friend.”

Unfortunately, I was too embarrassed to proclaim that I didn't have a friend. While I hesitated with my self-doubt, it also never occurred to me to ask if one was required. While my mind struggled to rationalize the fears I was feeling, I panicked. In this single moment of lost composure, I was weakened by my own desire to be accepted. Wile I panicked, I convinced myself that I needed someone—anyone—in order to feel confident with who I was. It wasn't even an hour into a public school environment that I was convinced that I needed to be codependent in order to “pass.” Because I hesitated long enough to create a requirement for external validation, I immediately lost the ability to connect myself with everyone. This one line of code in my program opened up the floodgates to my kingdom, and out the doors went all of my archetypes—each of them soaked up by anyone who appeared to be more confident than I was in that moment.

1st Grade Preliminary Contaminations

“THE GREAT WAY IS NOT DIFFICULT FOR THOSE WHO HAVE NO PREFERENCES. WHEN LOVE AND HATE ARE BOTH ABSENT, EVERYTHING BECOMES CLEAR AND UNDISGUISED. MAKE THE SMALLEST DISTINCTION, HOWEVER, AND HEAVEN AND EARTH ARE SET INFINITELY APART. – THIRD CHINESE PATRIARCH OF ZEN

Without being able to reconcile the reflections in the eyes of others, I created a sense of separation—all stemming from that single requirement for social validation and codependency. That one moment gave way to the creation of distance, time, and the fragmentation of my Supreme Self. All of the various mirrors in the funhouse began to reflect faces that were no longer my own. Unfortunately, I was too anxious to reflect upon the moment at the time that I couldn't process what had happened. Also, because this new school didn't allot independent study time, the newly inscribed programming line of codependency had taken hold by the end of the day.

As long as I maintained this codependency, my brilliant child mind was unable to swim in intuitive wisdom; instead, I was frantically looking around the room to see if anyone was judging me for being different. I was so embarrassed to appear strange on my first day at a new school that I turned away from my own genius and traded it in for a temporary stamp of approval from people who I had never even met. I could feel the distance between me and others increase. With every single insecure consideration that I felt, I felt further and further away from my own wholeness. I felt fear—enough that it was virtually impossible to re-member who I truly was inside.

“UP AT CODY'S CAMP I SPENT MY DAYS, LORD. WITH FLAT CAR RIDERS AND CROSS-TIE WALKERS. OLD CODY JUNIOR TOOK ME OVER, SAID, 'YOU'RE GONNA FIND THE WORLD IS SMOLDERING. AND IF YOU GET LOST, COME ON HOME TO GREEN RIVER.' WELL, COME ON HOME.” – “GREEN RIVER” BY CREDENCE CLEARWATER REVIVAL

Fortunately, nothing is permanent in terms of these various changes and adjustments that we make in our “code.” There is always a part of us that is simply “witnessing” the events of our lives; it is always pure and safely stored outside of the spacetime illusion. In order to be able to access these baptismal waters, we have to be able to identify the source of unconditional love.

To make the necessary changes back towards purification, we have to admit to ourselves why those additional lines of code were written in the first place. We have to be humble and honest enough with our insecurities to recognize that there are things that make up our perception of others and the world around us that are solely self-serving. All of our biases exist only to protect certain aspects of ego identities from feeling fear. These fears, however, are entirely self-imposed that are independent of the external world.

Nobody can force us to feel a certain way. We become the victims to our own toxic programming code the very moment that we project blame (or credit) on how someone else “makes us feel.” Those feelings—and the requisite coding we have created—are entirely our own. These non-physical energies are what are standing at the door to our own Kingdoms, each of them preventing us from escaping the prisons of trauma, victimization, or divination.

“WELL, YOU CAN'T TAKE THE EFFECT AND MAKE IT THE CAUSE. I DIDN'T ROB A BANK BECAUSE YOU MADE UP THE LAW. BLAME ME FOR ROBBING PETER, BUT DON'T YOU BLAME PAUL. YOU CAN'T TAKE THE EFFECT AND MAKE IT THE CAUSE.” – “EFFECT AND CAUSE” BY THE WHITE STRIPES

It is, therefore, our “work” to reconcile the internal/external distances perpetuated by a lack of personal responsibility in our own dependencies. It is only then that we can recognize our addictions to these additional lines of codes or beliefs that are like opiates to our egoic personas. As we rob Peter's Gates to play the game of personal Politics, our time ticks away. In order to play any back-and-forth pendulum game, we must first be exiled out of the Kingdom—cast into “outer darkness.” During this exchange, many of us trade our intuitive guidance (our invisible best friend, in Truth) for externalized representations of ourselves in others (partial, fragmented Truth).

Until we feel “safe” enough to be vulnerable, these bad faith beliefs hang from the magnetic charges of our fears and desire systems. The longer they remain, the more we begin to identify ourselves and personas with them—as them. Similarly, when we injure our bodies, we have a tendency to compensate with other muscles, causing us to posture ourselves differently or change our gait. Over time, even after healing, we maintain these altered compensatory stances, slowly transfiguring our bodies into a permanent identification with physical trauma. Instead of simply feeling the temporary presence of dependency, we fully identify ourselves and our entire perception of the world through a lens of requisite dependency to external sources of validation.

Goodbye, Friend

JD Stahl (11/18/2019) Is it possible to gain a friend without losing another? Secret worlds. Spies. The television gods modeled on you. Secret formats for a selfish disaster. Validated fears in a commercial genocide. Character. Authenticity. Individualism. Raped by popularity and a friendly pat on the back. Fed by a nod of approval. Communion. Progressive starvation. Indifference. Death. Goodbye, friend.

Emotional Moat, Shun the Troll

LORD KRISHNA: “A SELF-REALIZED MAN HAS NO PURPOSE TO FULFILL IN THE DISCHARGE OF HIS PRESCRIBED DUTIES, NOR HAS HE ANY REASON NOT TO PERFORM SUCH WORK. NOR HAS HE ANY NEED TO DEPEND ON ANY OTHER LIVING BEING.” – BHAGAVAD GITA, 3.18

When we aren't fighting over various archetypes—or choosing ones that require us to identify enemies—everyone can settle into the space of vulnerability and truth. There is more than enough “space” for everyone to identify themselves in unconditionality. Because, well, in that state, space doesn't exist. It's really only when we enter situations already poised to create competition that competition or comparison are even necessary. But, as I said before, we always get what we are looking for when we are focused enough. Unfortunately, that also means that when we enter situations with fears, the universe will create problems so that our fears can be validated and balanced. Without anything to attach themselves to, fears melt away, leaving the trust that we need be create an authentic environment—within and without.

Every single human being has both the opportunity and responsibility to approach each and every life experience as a means to change the course of our lives for the better. Regardless of how any of us were raised or taught to perceive the world a certain way, every single heartbeat offers us the energy that we can use to shed our skin and be born anew. As we release the dense vibrations of fear, we elevate ourselves into a “new world.” Even though we may not be able to physically sense the difference in location, our senses themselves are attuned towards harmonious vibrations, each one offering us additional fuel to maintain our position. Closer and closer, we ascend to our own personal Kingdom, a non-physical “sense” of salvation that can be found wherever we go.

“WHEN YOU BELIEVE IN THINGS THAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, THEN YOU SUFFER. SUPERSTITION AIN'T THE WAY, YEAH.” – “SUPERSTITIOUS” BY STEVIE WONDER

The truth is that each of us carries the Kingdom of self-realization with us. When we are capable of recognizing this ideal and breaking ourselves free of the attachments that prevent us from being able to consciously transcend our environment, we will experience sovereignty (bliss). As a result, our eyes and ears will magnetically attract—and be attracted by—those who seek/attain similar degrees of truth and authenticity. The less we consider even the possibility of irrational threats, the easier that our energetic reconciliation becomes. Even though it may seem irrational to disregard things that could possibly pose issues or place us in situations that do not guarantee predictability, to do so is to practice a blind faith that will eventually lead us back to the Kingdom.

The emotional “toll” we have to pay is what purchases our transfer across the viscous channel between self and environment. Often, to walk across this water, we need only to close our eyes and trust in that which is greater than us to guide us. However, to many, having this degree of blind faith is either irrational or crazy. To believe that things will be different even though we have been given plenty of reasons that they won't is the very definition of insanity. And yet, without this blind faith, we would not create the necessary environment for ourselves and others to heal. Even if we must separate ourselves from friends, family, or other well-established relationships until we can reconcile ourselves, to do so will eventually foster havens for growth. Our devotional “work” to complete this is one of the highest forms of worship we can practice.

Taking Back Your Turnstile

“THE PRICE AND THE TOLL IS POWERED CONTROL. SURRENDER FEELS LIKE A HOLY DISASTER. THE HARDER YOU TRY IS THE GREATEST OF LIES. LETTING GO WILL GET YOU THERE FASTER.” – “SAFE IN THIS MOMENT” BY JD STAHL

To not only set our friends and family aside (temporarily, at least), but to also set ourselves aside so that others can meet us in the bottomless/topless space of unconditional love is to hold the gates of the Kingdom open for everyone. The greatest gift that we can give ourselves and others is presence. We purchase this gift with our sincere commitment—a covenant—of devoting ourselves away from either past or future considerations, only to eliminate “space” to exist in harmony, together.

Before any of us can learn anything—from anyone—we have to unlearn who each of us believes ourselves to be (at least temporarily). Until we can be everything and nothing, we will only ever aspire to be “A” thing and identify ourselves only in relationship to our physical body. When we are unable to release this addiction and embody the soul's multiplicity in all of its forms, we suppress or project any/all energies that we fear to carry. It doesn't matter if we are afraid of our vulnerability or if we are afraid of our own power, whatever we turn from within ourselves must either be absorbed by others in our environment or suppressed internally, causing emotional unease (depression/anxiety). Though we share these parts of ourselves whenever we establish harmony with others, it is very dangerous to deny ourselves of our own truth so that we still feel “safe” in the face of our self-imposed irrational fears.

“THE SPIRITUAL JOURNEY IS THE UNLEARNING OF FEAR AND THE ACCEPTANCE OF LOVE.” – MARIANNE WILLIAMSON

We may attend formal schools where we are given assignments, tests, and projects to complete, but our learning surely does not stop when we graduate from the schoolhouse classroom. Our greatest “test” is to eventually be able to love (and trust) ourselves with the capacity to embody the soul's full multiplicity while still being able to consciously choose how those archetypes are expressed. At the crux of all of these various characters is a single actor. To become the actor that is fully conscious of themselves while playing her/his various roles impeccably is to also merge the actor with the director of the entire production. To live harmoniously in this state, every lower-vibrational state flees from the gaze and we become capable of perceiving life from beyond the limits of linear time and space.

Every single moment of our lives is divinely orchestrated by unconditional love and unbearable compassion. The only thing we have to graduate from is ourselves (ego personas). When we recognize that we can never win without losing, we will cease to perpetuate the distance that exists between every single one of us. We will release ourselves from being “hung” in the loops of repetitive cycles.

So often, the people that we often need the most are the ones that we fight. When we find the parts of ourselves that are so recklessly embodied by others, we so often perceive them to be threatening, off-putting, abnormal, or otherwise “ungodly.” And yet, in these figures are the mirrors to the parts of ourselves that we refuse to see—consciously, at least.

“LET ME TAKE YOU DOWN, 'CAUSE I'M GOING TO STRAWBERRY FIELDS. NOTHING IS REAL. AND NOTHING TO GET HUNG ABOUT. STRAWBERRY FIELDS FOREVER.” – “STRAWBERRY FIELDS” BY THE BEATLES

There is nothing “real” beyond what we perceive. The only thing that exists outside the illusion of separation—the mirrored room of the funhouse—is the love that permeates the prison of the rational mind. Unconditional love is, by definition, insane. This love violates every “thing” in the physical world; it is uncontrollable, unpredictable, violently vulnerable, and seemingly impossible. It is all that makes us human. If you look into the mirror for long enough, you'll find it—whether the mirror is hanging on the wall or behind the eyes of the people we love or hate.

Behind the emotional reactivity of our human nature—flipped by the physical reality's camera-obscura lens—is our divinity, calling us back to the Kingdom. The best version of ourselves is “forever” waiting, in spirit, for all of us to achieve the necessary balance of strength in vulnerability. After all, we are all headed towards the same destination, on the same bus, looking out different windows. When we reach our destination, we will no longer have to hide the “seeds” of love behind masks and disguises; we will be able to wear them on our sleeves—like strawberries.

The Way

JD Stahl (05/23/2020) Away from the sights, the sounds, The rigid schedules—the frowns, Expectations, labels, copies of passers-by There is a place where I go that Nobody seems to know. Just leave yourself behind. You may quiet the voices. You’re free from all of their choices For you. They cannot see the places of peace in the light When they clamor around the joker at night. Where you will be from, nothing is lost. And the faithless to you May never know the cost. But nothing sits between The shadows of them and me. We are all divine company— For you. Rise above the problems and fights. This immaculate channel seems tight. But impossibility only lives down below. And most rainy days will slow the show. And you know the way is near. Disconnect from unclear. Confusion is the anchor— For you. So put down the fear when there’s nothing near. I have been saving a perfect space for you here. Because I know you when others seem not. Safety is something you’ve got To offer those who sit in doubt For vulnerability is a luxury They’ve gone on without. It’s where lies the power— For you. All of you. There is truth. And the way to you.