(B02C06) Chapter 6: Central Chastising

Fountainhead Without a Face

“FAMILIAR FACES, UNABLE TO VACATE THE SPACES ABOVE, RECALL THE SOULS TO FILL THE CELLS UNDER THESE WALLS. BENEATH MY SKIN, A VIBRANT GOLDEN CHORUS RINGS, LIKE ELECTRIC LIGHTNING SHINING ABOVE THEIR WINGS.” – “PROPHECY 44” BY JD STAHL

Being that I was so sensitive to ambient energy, I did whatever I could to surround myself with as much sincerity as possible. Unfortunately, this turned out to be more difficult than I had imagined. As children, we can only be introduced to such things like betrayal, fear, or suppressed truths. Though our parents and guardians often withhold information to protect children from having to face difficult truths, doing so teaches children that lying is not only acceptable, but a righteous endeavor. Simply because children are not taught the specific reasons why someone chooses to withhold truth or misrepresent themselves is often what causes youth to get stuck in endless loops, always looking for reasons or explanations to understand why someone's energy doesn't match their words.

Tuned intimately to unconditional love, the radio band receiver in children's minds are constantly discerning truth from suppressed expression. As mirrors to anyone who has compartmentalized themselves into a limited set of personas, children not only learn by example, but they act with respect to the people who misrepresent themselves away from true authenticity. It is only when we are in environments that are free from vibrations of rigidity (caused by inauthentic defense mechanisms) that we feel comfortable enough to let our guard down.

“MAY YOUR HANDS ALWAYS BE BUSY. MAY YOUR FEET ALWAYS BE SWIFT. MAY YOU HAVE A STRONG FOUNDATION. WHEN THE WINDS OF CHANGES SHIFT. MAY YOUR HEART ALWAYS BE JOYFUL. MAY YOUR SONG ALWAYS BE SUNG. AND MAY YOU STAY FOREVER YOUNG.” – “FOREVER YOUNG” BY BOB DYLAN

Even after we get older, that pure part of our childhood innocence is always present, forever waiting for the perfect conditions to emerge from within. This innocence is the source of our fearlessness, joy, bliss, and infinite wisdom. It seems somewhat backwards that many adults labor their days and lives away, all the time looking for the part of themselves that requires the release of the very things they seek in the external world.

Unfortunately, qualities like childlike innocence and enthusiasm are perceived negatively by those who believe that “being an adult” requires stern, serious, and solemn self-control and discipline. This, of course, can be a trap, perpetuating suffering and prolonging our journey to self-realization. Whenever we “try” or force something, we only increase the distance between our present locus of consciousness and our ideal (energetic light being or spirit-soul). Meanwhile, the keys to our Kingdom were with us the whole time, trapped in our hearts, underneath the same fears and desires for validation that inspired the bad-faith perceptions that made us feel unworthy or incomplete.

Therefore, in order to be able to make the return to this internal spiritual “Mecca,” we must confront the blockages that prevent us from returning to the “inner-space.” The biggest blockage is the concept of time, the 4th dimension or the “cube in the cube.” Behind the veiled illusion of time and space lies only pure energy—the white light of truth. Every single method of yoga (union with the Divine) is another vehicle we can use to guide us back to the door through which time exists not. However, in order to be able to “cross over,” we must eventually discard that vehicle, whether it is a method, belief system, person, ideology, identity, guru, drug or other substance, or practice. We can only “kiss” these methods, not consume them.

“A GURU IS SOMEBODY WHO IS A PURE MIRROR, SO PURE THAT, WHEN YOU MEET THAT BEING, YOU IMMEDIATELY SEE WHERE YOU ARE CAUGHT.” – RAM DASS

Every method is matched by both spiritual power and planned obsolescence, assuring that those who utilize it will not incur “taxes” or costs. We “pay” with our attention, humbly resigning our 5 physical senses to the boatman (ferry operator). With unconditional love, unbearable compassion, and blind faith we are transported across the sea of emotions (Samskara) in order to be able to reach our goal. All artistic creations, prophets, practices, yogas, and methods all maintain these characterizations. In order to be truly free, all external sources must be discarded in order to cross the threshold to freedom, Satori, Nirvana, etc. When we no longer require these methods, we graduate from the “wheel of life,” linear spacetime, and are then free from the cycle of rebirth (Moksha).

The same things that have been said about methods can be said for the physically-manifested form of methods: gurus. Gurus are living methods, each a mirror that only exists to reflect upon others where they are still “caught” in the illusion of duality. The purpose of the guru is not to be kind or instructive, necessarily; the goal of the guru is only to cut free people from where they are still attached or otherwise refuse to accept themselves or others to suit their conceptual definitions of “good” and “evil.” Whether by fire or by water, gurus will call attention to any emotional reactivity that reveals when people are still capable of losing their composure. Becoming consciously aware of these triggers (positive or negative) are the primary tools that one uses to awaken.

“WHEN THE STUDENT IS READY THE TEACHER WILL APPEAR. WHEN THE STUDENT IS TRULY READY... THE TEACHER WILL DISAPPEAR.” – TAO TE CHING

Gurus, like yogic methods and practices, are also methods—but in human form. The only purpose of a guru is to help deliver us towards the freedom of awakening—by any means necessary. These beings are very much like vehicles; they have different styles, colors, and speeds. Some hold many passengers and some only have two seats. Choosing a guide or guru depends on how fast or how many lifetimes we want to spend in order to reach awakening. There are some that can be gentle and some that can rip you through a fire in a single moment.

Though we feel we have a choice with our gurus, the contract is signed in a vibration above our conscious awareness. These beings are drawn to us—or us to them—seemingly by happenstance. We can meet them in our dreams or cross them on the street. Some we have even hired to traumatize us until we humbly resign our control. Each guru has a planned obsolescence and will eventually expire once the lesson has been learned and incorporated into our conscious awareness. When that lesson is learned, the guru comes forth from within us. When the guru disappears, it is because we have transfigured ourselves into the guru.

“WE CLAIMED THE VERY SOURCE OF JOY RAN THROUGH. IT DIDN'T, BUT IT SEEMED THAT WAY. I KISSED A LOT OF PEOPLE THAT DAY. OH, TO CAPTURE JUST ONE DROP OF ALL THE ECSTASY THAT SWEPT THAT AFTERNOON. TO PAINT THAT LOVE UPON A WHITE BALLOON. AND FLY IT FROM THE TOPPEST TOP OF ALL THE TOPS THAT MAN HAS PUSHED BEYOND HIS BRAIN. SATORI MUST BE SOMETHING JUST THE SAME.” – “MEMORY OF A FREE FESTIVAL” BY DAVID BOWIE

Once we learn to perceive each moment as lesson, we can begin to identify the temporary presence of the guru (teacher, master, rabbi, etc.) pass through every situation. Intimately hidden behind eyes, disguised by the role every being plays on the stage of life, is the guru. Like all energy, this light cannot be created nor destroyed, only transferred. In life or in death, the voice of divinity speaks—to and through all of us—inscribing the directions to freedom, bliss, and Nirvana. Ultimately, there is but one guru—the collection of all energy from all extensions of consciousness. Some call this Christ Consciousness, God/Cosmic Consciousness, Sat-chit-ananda (beyond knowing, Hinduism), or Satori (Buddhism).

When we are able to reconcile (mend together) all of our projections/creations within ourselves, the guru disappears from the external world. In this higher state of vibration, we free ourselves from diseases, threats, or danger. Our senses overlap and we cross over from knowing to understanding. Because we are no longer broadcasting fearful vibrations into the external world, we no longer manifest its reciprocal in the external world—the source of all distance and time. Becoming the guru is like unplugging a powered magnet so that all energy can be channeled inward so that it can be used to realize our greatest dream: divination or salvation. During these moments, we go from bleeding (weeping) the soul to feeding it.

“SO THE BODHISATTVA SAVES ALL BEINGS, NOT BY PREACHING SERMONS TO THEM, BUT BY SHOWING THEM THAT THEY ARE DELIVERED, THEY ARE LIBERATED, BY THE ACT OF NOT BEING ABLE TO STOP CHANGING.” – ALAN WATTS

Those who have conquered death are those who have become capable of living in two worlds at the same time. One foot stands in reality and the other stands in the proverbial “garden,” located outside of time. They recognize that they are both the energy that has created the entire universe and also the energy that is merely a vehicle to deliver a message. Every moment presents new energy from their environment; clinging to “no-thing,” they change like the flames of a fire, consuming the air/space around them to provide the energy of purification and the warmth necessary for the growth of souls.

These beings have devoted themselves to helping others gain freedom from suffering. They are focused (almost) entirely on delivering others from the confusion that prevents them from “crossing over” the sea of their emotions to reach the pinnacle of self-realization: the activation of their internal light-being or divination. The path of a Bodhisattva (Buddhism) is one who stands at the proverbial door to Nirvana (enlightenment or awakening), waiting until the moment when all beings are free from rebirth. These sentinels often go back and forth, in and out of time, pulling energy and divine wisdom that they can use to cut others free from the suffering and confusion which prevents them from freedom and prolongs their suffering.

The Bodhisattva Vow is taken by those who understand the absolute truth about self-realization. These beings know intimately that until everyone is free, they too can never become free. In order to be able to reconcile the “whole” of what many call “God” or nature or the singularity, all energies must be united and all karmic balance sheets must be settled. This understanding is what helps them to maintain the knowledge that they are simultaneously nothing and everything. At any moment, they could escape the boundaries of their physical chains and experience transcendent moments of bliss. However, in order to be able to graduate from a vehicle to source energy, all parts of themselves must transcend each other. In the eyes of everyone he sees, he is capable of recognizing the same guru that sits intimately inside her/himself. And so, in order to be free, all portions of him must awaken—not just her/his own.

“UNCONDITIONAL LOVE DISSOLVES ANY RATIONAL HESITATION AS WE BECOME DRUNK ON ITS SWEETNESS. WE ARE LIKE MOTHS CIRCLING A CANDLE FLAME, IMMOLATING OURSELVES IN A FIRE OF LIVING LOVE.” – RAM DASS

Any desire that remains—via attachment or refusal—eventually must be released by the individual in order to bring forth the spiritual body and activate our “higher” senses (four winds or clair-essence senses). Every second of time offers us yet another approach towards the threshold of judgment so that we can confront our “Moment of Truth.” We are but moths, constantly approaching a candle flame. We get so close to truth, yet flee as soon as we feel it start to burn away that which we have created to defend us from our fears. Every flame we pass through burns away the person we have previously believed ourselves to be. Each flame is a test that we must transcend, burning and molting into greater and greater versions of our most authentic truth. Each of these tests allow us to reveal where we still maintain attachments.

For example, if we still wish to be paired with a significant other, have children, aspire to some definitive success or fame, travel around the world, or otherwise feel that we are not yet complete until we have acquired wealth or material possessions, our hearts remain “heavy” in comparison to our spirit-soul's incendiary nature that never stops changing or expressing itself—like the flames of a fire. As long as we cling to anything—a religion, ideology, or singular theoretical concept or understanding of the universe—we will not graduate from the human experience.

In order to become free from the wheel of rebirth, we must lose hope in the external world. When we withdraw our dependence on the physical senses and external projections, we become the hope, loving and trusting ourselves enough to ignite the flames that brings forth our internal guru: the bodhisattva self. Recognizing our reflection as the hope we sought, we will be able to identify the same guru of salvation in everyone we meet. Behind the many masks of what many call “God” is pure energy. Before light can even manifest, this presence of purity remains in darkness of the infinite, waiting for unconditional love to call back the key to unlock the door, unlocking the dream that inspired all of creation.

Safe In This Moment

JD Stahl (06/30/2020) A picture speaks a thousand words, meek But a moment knowing the soul says a million. ‘Cause physician form, only a muted norm And between these quick clicks is a billion. Songs we will sing while the pendulum swings These infinite seas of quiet stardom. What secrets are stored in the opposite shores Is nothing compared to safe heavens. The greatest of tests is stored in your chest It must beat the test of a feather. Your life is a class you are designed to pass In order to get northern weather. On firmament lines and forever time The four northern winds will blow freedom. To travel within can feel like a sin When imbalances cause biased judgment. For good and for bad can make you feel sad If you hold on to definition for comfort. But all that is now is the only thing that shall Free from the cling which causes the suffer. Clean out the room for the spirit to swoon And breathe out the daily disease. Close only two eyes and breath in surprise The blue winds will put you to ease. The price and the toll is powered control Surrender feels like a holy disaster. The harder you try is the greatest of lies Letting go will get you there faster. There’s nothing to need; leave back the greed Abundance means you have all that you need. For less that is more when you find the locked door And love is what calls back the key. For it’s all in the eyes, the ears, nose, and cries. The illusion is what makes you want more. Put a rest to your mind, zero sum is the time And this has all been planned out before. You won’t need your phone. You’re never alone. The angels are all around you, and inside. Last night in your sleep, you’ve been there to meet A divine guide to walk by your side.

Guy at the Tree of Momma (Gayatri Mata)

“FOUR AND TWENTY BIRDS OF MAYA, BAKED INTO AN ATOM YOU. POLARIZED INTO EXISTENCE. MAGNET HEART FROM RED TO BLUE. TO SUCH EXTENT THE REALM OF DARK. WITHIN THE PICTURE IT SEEMS TRUE. BUT SLIP INSIDE THIS HOUSE AND THEN DECIDE.” – “SLIP INSIDE THIS HOUSE” BY 13TH FLOOR ELEVATORS

Before I had any real (human) friends, my mother was the cocoon of safety. In her presence, she provided me with an unquestionable sense of safety and unconditional love. I could remain silent and still, understanding beyond knowledge that I had permission to be my true self and let my light shine. Because my trust/love was unconditional, I received her guidance without attempting to label it as creative or destructive. I could be any and all versions of myself without ever experiencing fear. The Supreme Self (Brahman) would experiment with any and all personalities, allowing me to explore the furthest reaches of my potential without ever considering the possibility of limitations. Like a goldfish in an ocean, my imagination and learning capacity grew towards infinite proportions.

Unfortunately, because I felt the greatest joys and freedoms in her presence, I became attached to her. Codependence eventually developed into replication. Instead of developing towards my own authentic personality, I began to take on hers. Identifying my mother as my “ideal self” was not only unhealthy, but it was inadequately representative of who I truly was. By law, however, the silence of our energy always speaks into the universal forces (ether), calling forth the perfect set of characters and situations so that our higher selves can emerge from within.

Trinitive Attachment Disorder

“BEHIND THE BORROWED EYES OF A STRANGER, YOU’RE THERE. BETWEEN THE RAYS OF SUN SHINING IN YOUR HAIR. MY HEART BEATS, THIS DRUM, AND YOU STRIKE MY SKIN. I MARCH TO THE LOVE ONLY YOU CREATED WITHIN.” – “PARADISE FOUND” BY JD STAHL

Our attachment to certain people is similar to any type of addiction. We can develop our entire personas based around certain relationships, methods, conceptual models. Each one of these external entities are also gurus—only to be a guide, but never a permanent master. Each guru is a key, only meant to be found and then transcended to reach the next “level” or experiential lesson. The primary issue we encounter with teachers during our lives is that we forget or refuse to realize that the energy that created them or empowered them with the light of the guru was created within us. Each of us is the light of the movie projector, shining our own light from behind the eyes of every person.

Whenever we forget that we are each the source energy from which our guru appears, we are imprisoned by the illusion of externalization. We begin to “worship” idols instead of seeking salvation within. These externalized attachments create a feeling of insecurity and we convince ourselves that in order to feel peace, love, or safety we require something or someone else to provide it to us. This concept is the source of all competition, possessiveness, and oppressive control or power.

“OUR DANCE. TO BELIEVE IT EVEN EXISTS. IT IS SUCH A SIMPLE WISH. YET EACH KISS IS MY BLISS. FELT, BUT NOT ALWAYS SEEN WITH EYES. TOUCHED, WITH OR WITHOUT A DISGUISE. HOPE, LIKE PROMISES OF NATURE. BALANCING ALL OF CREATION. A COMBINATION OF ALL UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. TWO BECOME ONE.” – “SOLILOQUY” BY JD STAHL

As a means to feel “whole,” many people attempt to not just “kiss” the energy of the guru, but make persistent attempts to consume it. Each fear is another method of addiction or attachment, selfishly seeking only to satiate itself with temporary moments of fleeting salvation. Obviously, the holes in our hearts cannot be filled with any “thing,” but will only ever find salvation from that which only we can provide, independently of external illusions or desires.

Our fears arise from lacking enough conscious awareness to understand that the light we seek is not given by anyone else, but instead is sourced from within us. Whenever anything threatens those we have cast into these roles—positively or negatively—we become very defensive. When people try to change or display personality characteristics that clash with our casting, we do whatever we can to stop them. When mothers tell us “no” or when our enemies attempt to grow beyond our victim mentality, many of us can rage and even attempt to shape the entire world to consume the other person so that they can never escape.

While in this state of panic, we often attempt to blame everything and everyone—even those we love and trust the most. We miss the opportunity to recognize that it is our own expectations that caused our suffering. This only proves that we are primarily concerned about ourselves. Otherwise, we would trust that even if a person changes, we will love them unconditionally. Unless we can recognize the luminous energy within ourselves that we find mirrored upon others, fear will resonate and be expressed in various ways as a means to preserve our illusions.

Buried underneath our selfishness is the recognition that the energy we seek is, in fact, “ours.” This energy is seen THROUGH others, not BY them. We only project it upon them because we refuse to recognize it within ourselves. However, until we feel safe enough to accept ourselves unconditionally, we will not be able to rise and return to the Brahmanic state—the dimension of co-creation. Whenever we are disconnected from this state of awareness, we experience suffering, eternal dependency, attachment, and addiction. This is why we have difficulty walking away from people, places, or things that cause us pain. What we allow, remains. We allow it because it's easier for many of us to experience pain, just so long that we don't feel to blame for it.

The moment that we recognize that every single person has the capacity for both good and evil—to the extreme measure in both directions—we will be able to call forth the power that arrives alongside our conscious free will. If we cannot accept ourselves and others unconditionally without becoming reactive, then we will never realize that the person we are really praying to is ourselves—deep inside our hearts, waiting for our return.

“KINDNESS AND TRUTH SHALL MEET; JUSTICE AND PEACE SHALL KISS. TRUTH SHALL SPRING OUT OF THE EARTH, AND JUSTICE SHALL LOOK DOWN FROM HEAVEN. THE LORD HIMSELF WILL GIVE HIS BENEFITS; OUR LAND SHALL YIELD ITS INCREASE. JUSTICE SHALL WALK BEFORE HIM, AND SALVATION, ALONG THE WAY OF HIS STEPS.” – PSALM 85:11-14

Every unspoken desire is another “prayer” that we send out into the universe, broadcast out from our subconscious. These messages echo within us, altering our perception of the world and of ourselves. The more that we remain attached to these desires, the more they will engrain themselves into our subconscious, eventually implanting themselves beyond our conscious awareness. The vibrations eventually go so deeply within us that they break subatomic quark arrangements and are then channeled to every atom in the physical universe.

As we go about our day, these invisible energies then vibrate outwards from the depths of the ether (underneath human consciousness). These vibrations mix with all others, designing every moment from the future with perfect superposition. Every step that we take in the present walks into the “fore-tune,” set forth by the energy of the guru (teacher, guide, rabbi, heavenly father, etc.). Every moment is intricately designed, accounting for the best possible transcendence to any plane of consciousness that our free will can channel or identify.

“DESIRE IS A TRAP; DESIRELESSNESS IS LIBERATION. DESIRE IS THE CREATOR; DESIRE IS THE DESTROYER. DESIRE IS THE UNIVERSE.” – RAM DASS

Because I didn't realize that I had two conflicting “prayers” being spoken into the ether of the universe, it was a complete surprise whenever I happened upon people or experiences that would challenge the distance created by my own desires. The problem was that I was extremely codependent on my mother; yet, at the same time, I didn't want to rely on anyone. Because the universe cannot speak audibly, but instead through the action of energy (karma), I attracted people and experiences that would offer me an infinite set of opportunities to actualize these two polarized desires from within—not from the external world.

These two opposing desires, however, manifested from the same place; they created each other. Combining them both, of course, they would cancel each other out entirely. This is how karma is created: internal conflict and the inability to recognize our responsibilities to our desire systems when they attempt to create bias. Similarly, if I wanted to be a hero like Superman, I would essentially be “praying” to the universe to provide me with a villain and enough problems so that I would have the opportunity to display my heroic characteristics. I wanted to win without losing. Since the universe requires balance, this cannot happen without forcing or assigning something or someone else to accept a role we are not willing to recognize within ourselves. We are free to display heroic characteristics, but we will only be free of karma if we allow our battles to choose us—not the other way around.

Fluid Munitions

“WHEN I WAS JUST A BABY MY MAMA TOLD ME, 'SON ALWAYS BE A GOOD BOY, DON'T EVER PLAY WITH GUNS.' BUT I SHOT A MAN IN RENO JUST TO WATCH HIM DIE. WHEN I HEAR THAT WHISTLE BLOWING, I HANG MY HEAD AND CRY.” – “FOLSOM PRISON BLUES” BY JOHNNY CASH 

There was a time when I was very young. My sister and I were playing with toy water guns in the back yard. Unfortunately, there was one gun that worked better than the other. As a result, my sister and I ended up fighting over who had the water gun that could shoot straight. In this moment, I chose to identify my sister as the “enemy.” I felt fully righteous in my desire system, never confronting the fact that I wanted to be superior to her. In this momentary lapse of reason or equality, I selfishly chose to create a force and impose it on someone else.

A few moments later, my mother came over, obviously angered by the argument between my sister and me. She ripped the toy guns from both our hands and broke them in half, immediately ending the “war” between my sister and I. Silence hit us both, and I started to cry. Yet, I was not hurt by the incident whatsoever. The only thing that was bruised was my attachment to favor. In a split second, the role of the enemy went from my sister to my mother. Simply because I was not willing to recast my role identifications, I suffered. As the control over my external environment was terminated, I felt as if something was torn from me. In fact, it was. In that moment I first confronted that my physical “guru” of unconditional love and compassion was capable of not providing me with unconditional favor.

In reality, the only thing that happened was that I was broken free of my own misrepresentation of unconditional love. Not only that, I was forced to confront that I could never win without losing. It is the process of all addictions to slowly approach favor. If this goes on without confrontation for a long enough period of time, we can easily start to believe that love requires favor or obedience. In that moment, while my eyes were filled with tears, I looked at my mother with a sense of distaste that it was tantamount to plunging a knife in my own heart. Being that I was so attached to her solidified projection of an ideal, I never accounted for the transient nature of the guru. I forgot—quite easily—that my mother was as human as everyone else.

“A YOUNG COWBOY NAMED BILLY JOE GREW RESTLESS ON THE FARM. A BOY FILLED WITH WANDERLUST WHO REALLY MEANT NO HARM. HE CHANGED HIS CLOTHES AND SHINED. HIS BOOTS AND COMBED HIS DARK HAIR DOWN. AND HIS MOTHER CRIED AS HE WALKED OUT, 'DON'T TAKE YOUR GUNS TO TOWN SON.'” – “DON'T TAKE YOUR GUNS TO TOWN” BY JOHNNY CASH

My mother apologized almost immediately, softening the blow. However, after that moment, I processed how I felt in silence, attempting to understand the nature of what caused me to be so upset that I cried. What I was able to realize was that nobody was “perfect.” No single person could ever match the “ideal” that I was projecting onto her. Even though I received a great amount of joy doing so, any time that I would attempt to force anyone to accept a role they were otherwise unwilling to play, I would only be calling forth a future moment where suffering would arrive to sever me from my imposition of duality.

Any time that we attempt to manifest favor within our environment that is not in alignment with absolute truth, we create karma (energy of action). Each of us has the capacity to manifest our dreams into the physical reality. Unfortunately, at levels far beyond our conceptual abilities, lies a karmic balance sheet. We may be able to go very far in our attempts to maintain favor or imprison others in roles that project our illusions onto them. However, since all of us are pre-wired to eventually return to the source of all energy, the accounts must eventually be settled. We are always called towards purification, fated only to attain Christ/God/Cosmic Consciousness.

I was always fortunate to experience almost immediate karmic returns for my attempts to call forth favor. As a result, I was forced to learn early that it was painful to even attempt to cast negativity or manipulation into my environment. Like spiritual shock-therapy, whenever the intention to cause imbalance popped into my head, I would immediately identify it, affixing my focus on the reasons why I prayed for favor. No matter how I chose to label or disguise these desires, the bill would always come due at the end.

“WE RISE UPON BURDENS, FREED BY OUR MINDS. SOLDIERS OF WISDOM, THE ENEMY BREEDS OUR COMFORT. AND WE TURN OUR GUNS OUTWARD TOWARDS THE DOOR, UNTIL WE ARE OFFERED AND APPROACHED NO MORE.” – “WICKED CHILDREN” BY JD STAHL

It was much easier, therefore, to just remain attentive in every moment rather than trying to “get away with” something when I knew that eventually I would have to right it with my own energy. Unfortunately, none of this helped me to recognize my own internal conflict. Instead of aggressively forcing my environment to serve me, I turned my proverbial “guns” inward. Whenever I refused to blame someone externally, I instead martyred myself with debits, each one a distant burden from confidence. Obviously, this worsened my problems with codependency because I wasn't able to maintain the levels of confidence that could hold an image of myself that was capable of carrying the necessary self-acceptance to manifest my greatest potential.

It wasn't that I had a problem with accepting responsibility for myself. It was that I struggled with the concept of being “perfect.” I had spent so long with “ideal” archetypes that even the slightest presence of flaw caused a confusion and frustration that produced tears and tantrums. Without being able to learn to fall without fear, my fear would cause me to fall—every time. Without being able to break some rules or exceed the boundaries of my own safe environment, those fears would forever live in my subconscious. In the moments of introspection, I felt a desire well up inside me. I saw the utility in failure or in falling.

If I could learn to separate my emotions from the actions that caused them, I would be able to trust myself enough not to fear my own growth. Eventually, I would be able to call forth the necessary energy to thrust myself forward towards confidence and independence. The difficulty in this was trying to “shoot” myself with bullets of shame instead of going further and seeing how I could free myself from emotional reactivity. Thankfully, I knew exactly who I could call forth to help me draw the sword from the stone and part the emotional waters. My father could, at the very least, show me how to breathe under water until I could get my head above the surface.

Not Tonight

JD Stahl (05/30/2020) Can you see the light Through these cracks of confusion? Can you see the man Behind the smile of this boy? Can you see the love Behind the mirror of illusion.? Can you find your home When those around you are all alone? Can you dry the eyes Of the mother while she quiets our cries? Can you see your face On the others that threaten your grace? I want to dance, Underneath the light. I want to sing, This song of peace. I want to love, And I’m not going to fight. Can you hear the screams Of those who say they can’t breathe? Can you feel the cries Of the many with the masks on their eyes? Can you follow the feet Of those marching on the street? I want to dance, Underneath the light. I want to sing, This song of peace. I want to love. And I’m not going to fight. Not tonight.