(B02C07) Chapter 7: Skins of the Father

Matching the Ladle to the Silver Spoon

“THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD HAS DREAMT OF THE DAY WHERE FEARS ARE ONLY ACTORS WITHIN THE PLAY. AND ABOVE THE KNIGHT, THE TRAVELERS WALK. THE AIR. THE TALK. THE WHEELS ECLIPSE. A STUMBLE. THAT’S ALL. BLOODY KNEES AND RASPBERRIES. PARADISE IS FREED.” – “BUT TO BE” BY JD STAHL

Learning how to transcend our emotional reactivity is like riding a bike. At first, it can be quite challenging. Separating our identity from our emotions can feel “strange.” In that, I mean it is difficult to define yourself based on things to those which we are non-reactive or indifferent. Many of us have a habit of creating an identity based on the things that cause us to lose our composure: our passions, preferences, or moral sensitivities. Without those things, we can tend to feel absent from the world—separated or distantly “cold” in comparison to those who emote. Emotions themselves are not necessarily toxic to who we are; however, they can be if we are unable to see beyond them. Until we know ourselves without these emotional conditions, we are merely a puppet or slave to our rational mind's response to external stimuli. Not only are we susceptible to manipulation, but we are also trapped by anyone who knows how to push our buttons.

If we wish to go beyond emotional reactivity, it takes practice. It would be like watching a horror movie. At first, we are reactive to it, causing us to jump out of our seat when things scare or surprise us. The greatest source of fear that humans have stems from the unknown. If we ever wish to travel a straight path, we must eventually learn to ignore anything that causes us to lose our balance or composure—even our own minds and emotions. If we watch the horror movie multiple times, eventually we will become non-reactive to it. This is the basic course of life. Our fears project outwards, calling forth various traumas and dramas. In these cycles, we will remain until all fears have dissipated and we are no longer enslaved by fears of the unknown.

Unfortunately, life isn't so easy as forcing ourselves to watch horror movies until we are free from all of our fears. The real challenge is to experience these events in a real-life simulation. The fully-immersive life is packed full of karmic energy, ready to manifest so that we become painfully indifferent to our reactivity to irrational fears. Not only must we endure these tests and develop a sense of awareness through them, but we also have to (eventually) recognize that we are the source that called them forth. Each cut and scrape we receive on the road of life is a reminder that we are not only responsible to get up and try again, but also evidence that—no matter what—we will heal. More than that, we are the only ones who can heal our scrapes and bruises.

“WE GLADIATE, BUT I GUESS WE'RE REALLY FIGHTING OURSELVES, ROUGHIN' UP OUR MINDS, SO WE'RE READY WHEN THE KILL TIME COMES. WIDE AWAKE IN BED, WORDS IN MY BRAIN: 'SECRETLY YOU LOVE THIS. DO YOU EVEN WANNA GO FREE?' LET ME IN THE RING, I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT THAT BIG WORD MEANS.” – “GLORY AND GORE” BY LORDE

We can cry over the events that bring us pain and label ourselves as powerless victims, or we can transcend that emotional reactivity and unveil how these experiences can set us free. We are all in the “school of hard knocks,” learning how to rough up our minds so that when the full power of the spirit arrives at the door, we have more than enough room to extend an invitation; else, we must refuse this divine visitor until we can clear away the defense mechanism we have accrued to protect us from the physical life's illusion.

Becoming free from emotional reactivity often requires us to hurt ourselves—like putting alcohol on a wound so that it can heal. In addition to transcending the concept of self-harm and using the experience to become free, we must do so without denying our personal responsibility. It is often said that we cannot control the actions of others or our environment; we are only in charge of how we choose to respond to the momentary “gifts” of the present.

Degrees of Implied Incrimination

“MY MIND'S FREE, I LEARN WITHOUT BEIN' TAUGHT. I SEE HOW THE BATTLE'S FOUGHT. IT'S OPPOSITE OF HOW I THOUGHT. I WOKE UP, OPENED MY EYES UP, WISED UP, RISED UP TO THE GAME.” – “TODAY'S YOUR DAY (WACHAGONEDU?)” BY FATLIP

When there isn't anyone around us onto whom we can project blame or credit, we are forced to accept full accountability. By taking responsibility, we bring forth our sovereign energy from within as well as from our external environment. It is like a student who saves money on education by learning how to teach her/himself while others play tuition. The funds we spend on life's tuition is our projected energy, caused by our refusal or inability to recognize our interdependence with our environment.

The first step in becoming accountable is to become cognizant of our instinctual responses to people, places, or events that cause us to enter our defenses. Anytime we are surprised or have been pulled into emotional reactivity without our consent, many of us instinctually react by projecting outwards. After all, we have spent so many years of our lives creating the perfect defense mechanisms; when we feel unprepared, we feel embarrassed and vulnerable.

“IF YOU AWAKEN FROM THIS ILLUSION AND YOU UNDERSTAND THAT BLACK IMPLIES WHITE, SELF IMPLIES OTHER, LIFE IMPLIES DEATH (OR SHALL I SAY DEATH IMPLIES LIFE?), YOU CAN FEEL YOURSELF—NOT AS A STRANGER IN THE WORLD, NOT AS SOMETHING HERE ON PROBATION, NOT AS SOMETHING THAT HAS ARRIVED HERE BY FLUKE - BUT YOU CAN BEGIN TO FEEL YOUR OWN EXISTENCE AS ABSOLUTELY FUNDAMENTAL.” – ALAN WATTS

Even when we are not directly in danger, our tendency is to project outwards that which forces us to recognize that we are not fully in control of ourselves or our external surroundings. If a car comes closer to us than we would expect or a someone's stereo is louder than what we would call “acceptable,” we tend to start blaming and pointing fingers. Each one of these prompts is yet another “gift” that we have called forth from the universe by retaining the energy of expectation or conditionality. Our job is not to create additional laws or impose judgment, but to transcend our own emotional reactivity and release ourselves from the prison of our own rational mind.

Every time we lose our composure to these surprise “gifts,” we stumble and fall out of balance. Each loss of composure exposes the narcissistic expectations we hold onto. Our pridefulness only prolongs suffering and creates additional barriers to the sovereignty of ourselves and others. This, of course, creates a tremendous requirement for us to “spend our time” in exchange for our karma (energy of action). As a result of our conditionality and refusal to reach acceptance, the distance between us and Natural Law, “God,” Truth, the light, and bliss increases.

Open Your Eyes

JD Stahl (04/26/2018) Raise my head and open my eyes. The answers are written in plain sight. Look straight into fog and fear. When the hell did you get here? The chambers await your reception. This is gonna be the finest redemption. For I have dreamt of this advancement. Your labored days are ripe for enchantment. I’ve heard I speak of the other side, Spinning yarns where all truth hides. If you’ve even wondered about your selection, You’re already walked in my direction. See, I know of east and western views. From the south I have come for you. Don’t discount my smile for finer things. I had to burn before I got these wings. I live in constant contradiction. I’ve been blinded to all things fiction. The power you hold is pure belief. In the mirror you will find your thief. The fewest of things we know for sure Is that your pain is the only cure. And the hell that you find behind your eyes Is only love that has been lost in lies. You’re right, my friend, for it’s the end. The messages that you’ve been meaning to send Are all that’s left to keep breadcrumbs safe, For your return from the inner space. Back to the cubes we go for now. Blinded by instructions of why and how. We slip softly into our own demise. Wake up. It’s a test. Open your eyes.

Handlebars with Care

“HAVE I NOT CONFESSED WHAT BLEEDS? DID YOU NOTICE THESE HARD SCARS? COVERING UP THE BROKEN PIECES OF TIME, CYCLED THROUGH MY HEART, BEHIND BARS.” – “THE RESCUE” BY JD STAHL

One of my favorite memories of my father was when he taught me how to ride a bike. My parents had purchased a used blue cruiser with hard rubber tires and locked gears It was a beginner's bike, decorated with training wheels. Though my father didn't always spend too much time with me during outdoor activities, the times that he was present to teach me things were taken to such depths that the quality far exceeded any quantity. Honestly, I think that I knew that these moments were rare, and so I did everything I could to be fully present while they lasted.

He pulled the bike out of the garage and guided it out to the street behind our house. I hopped on and he told me to pedal while he held the back of my seat. He pushed me along for about 20 yards. While his hand was still guiding, he gave me a few words of wisdom. My father told me to hold the handlebars straight and not turn the handlebars too fast, otherwise I would fall. As I processed his words, part of me wanted to test my father's advice. Another part of me thought I could impress him by showing him that I was able to perform something that he previously believed to be impossible. Another part of me wanted to understand his vision—the physics of his mind—so that I could attune myself to his superior knowledge and guidance. All of these things being true, I proceeded to break the one piece of advice he gave me. I turned the handlebars quickly to one side. As a result, I fell down and scraped my knee.

The pain caused an immediate conditioned reaction that resulted in tears and open-mouthed crying. This lasted only a few seconds. When I looked up at my father with tears in my eyes, hoping that he would return my cries with either pity or emotional sensitivity, I realized that he was smiling—quite stoically, I may add. My father was completely non-reactive to my emotional prompts. When I saw he was smiling, my crying ceased and I immediately matched his smile. He won the power battle; and I was so blessed to have lost. What I learned in that single moment was far better than any temporary “fix” of pity.

My father didn't feed a single moment of reactivity to my painful outburst. Because of this, I had no energy from which I could fuel the continuation of my outburst. He didn't look at me as if he was cold, uncaring, or sardonically pleased with my fall. He looked at me as if he knew already knew that I was going to learn something from the situation—without his even having to say a word. He was right. I smiled not only because my father was smiling, but because in that momentary flux between duality and unity, I received a lesson that completely overtook me. My father had just opened me up to a completely new world—one where pain was merely a conditioned response to a temporary loss of control.

“YEAH, AS A SHORTY, PLAYING IN THE FRONT YARD OF THE CRIB. I FELL DOWN, AND I BUMPED MY HEAD. SOMEBODY HELPED ME UP AND ASKED ME IF I BUMPED MY HEAD. I SAID, 'YEAH.' SO THEN THEY SAID, 'OH, SO THAT MEAN WE GON', YOU GON' SWITCH IT ON 'EM?' I SAID, 'YEAH, FLIPMODE. FLIPMODE IS THE GREATEST.' KNOWING AS A SHORTY, I WAS ALWAYS TOLD THAT IF I AIN'T GOING BE PART OF THE GREATEST, I GOTTA BE THE GREATEST MYSELF.” – “GIMME SOME MORE” BY BUSTA RHYMES

In that one moment, my father taught me that much of my crying and emotional reactivity were just attempts to manipulate other people out of their emotional “juices.” I realized that by playing the victim I was attempting to create separation (sin) in my external world so that I could win without losing. This single desire caused a dichotomous energy to be released into the external world so that I would create the possibility to take power away from others. If I could cause others to lose their composure by guilting them to attend to my emotional reactivity, then I would “win” the moment and feed off of their energy like a vampire. This is a strategy used by people (passively- or actively-aggressive) who are unwilling to do the necessary work to go beyond themselves to feel power. When we are reluctant to do that, we believe we have to take power from others in order to feel confident or better about ourselves.

After a brief moment of silence, he smirked with unconditional love and friendship and said, “See? I told you that you would fall.” There was no spite, sarcasm, or condescension in his steel-fitted stoic gaze. Not only did I temporarily experience his world of painless suffering, but I immediately attuned to the graces that came with it. I saw him for the first time, eye-to-eye. As a result, I transcended the pain and immediately rose up in strength, matching his smile with my own. Responding as honestly as I could, I told him that I did it on purpose just so that I could see what would happen. He seemed totally satisfied with the concept of his son causing his own pain so that he could eventually develop a tolerance for the minor scrapes and bruises that came with experience.

Disciple of Cyclical Discipline

“NOW, I'M STANDING AT YOUR FRONT DOOR. NOWHERE BETTER TO BE. BUT I CAN SEE THAT YOU TIE YOUR OWN SHOE LACES. YOU BLEED!” – “2024” BY CAGE THE ELEPHANT

Hearing his words of wisdom and immediately disregarding them was in no way an early attempt at me being insubordinate or disrespectful. I strongly believe that what I really wanted to do was to cause him to lose his composure so that I could see him in his most authentic state—either by impressing him or manipulating him out of his equanimity. There were two sides to this intention—as there is whenever we create desires in our external environment. Part of me wanted to learn more about him and another (balancing) part of me wanted to see what it was like to have power over him. Wanting to see “God” bleed in order to understand and validate our own humanity is quite common as we develop our concept of divinity.

Remember, I was a learning machine. One of the biggest things that I observed in my movies was that these heroes of mine learned by their own mistakes, even if they were warned about them. What made these on-screen mentors who they were is that they felt the experience themselves, learned from it first-hand, and then applied their experience. In my father's eyes, I saw the ideal counterpart to my emotional sensitivity. It wasn't that he was cold, indifferent, or uncaring. In my father's eyes I saw camaraderie; I saw true power. His eyes peered over the walls of time itself, calmly inviting me to escape my own mental prison caused by a painful attempt to acquire either pity or power—or both.

Obviously, I didn't blame my father for falling off of my bike. I knew the risk I was taking before I even did it. Instead of being able to manipulate my father out of his energy so that I could could feel confident in comparison to his lost composure, I was pulled into his confidence, causing me to mirror him momentarily. With his strength, I not only took full accountability for my actions but also recognized the long-term utility in doing so. As a result, I no longer felt that the incident was worth tears.

Both my father and I won—the unified lesson or “war” between awareness and ignorance (light and dark). If either of us won the “battle” over one another, I would only have lost by witnessing my personal model of “God” become susceptible to manipulation. Thankfully, I was wrong. Because of this win-win, I was able to identify an archetype of unwavering strength—both internally and externally.

“KNOWING OTHERS IS INTELLIGENCE; KNOWING YOURSELF IS TRUE WISDOM. MASTERING OTHERS IS STRENGTH; MASTERING YOURSELF IS TRUE POWER.” – LAO TZU

I felt more confidence holding that responsibility for my own pain than I would have if I would have blindly followed his advice and ridden safely without incident. After getting up and trying again, I no longer questioned my own confidence or capacity to ride the bike without his guidance. This time, I had self-control. More than that, I had no fear—regardless of what would happen on the bike. That is self-mastery. That is true power.

With true power, we not only develop the capacity to go beyond our fears and accomplish things that would cause others to turn away from such challenges, but we also become totally different people. We go from an internal duality to a unified self, no longer restricted or imprisoned by our emotional reactivity. The more we balance our polarities and achieve transcendence, the less karma (energy of action) that we impose on the world. We are protected—by our own truth—from attempting to manipulate others out of their composure but also from our own addictions to the power that those attempts can yield.

Any time that we attempt to gain favor, we subconsciously match that attempt with causing people to lose their balance into emotional reactivity so that we can feel temporarily superior over them. This is a backwards way of feeling confidence—pulling people down so that we don't have to learn how to discipline ourselves and rise above our own (self-imposed) burdens. The events that caused us pain are each essential; without them we would not able to call attention to how we subconsciously puppeted ourselves to engage others with manipulative intentions.

The best thing that we can do for ourselves and others is to do whatever is necessary to reach this state of equanimous balance. Our gifts, therefore, are not located where “moth and dust dost corrupt;” instead they are gifts of loss. We lose that which creates suffering, karma, or separation in both ourselves and the external world. We become the sword that can sever us from the veiled illusion (Maya). We do this by achieving balance, peace, bliss, reconciling our opposites, and enlightenment. This is the process of transferring our locus of consciousness (attention) from subjectivity to objectivity. We become the Witness, the guru, the teacher, the light, and the truth. We BECOME the path and the life that leads us back to our Kingdom (Christ/God/Cosmic Consciousness).

Forging the Flaming Sword of Sunyata

“MY LOVE IS NOTHING. MY LOVE IS FULL PERIPHERAL. SANCTIMONIOUS CRIES OF DEVOTION, CHOKING UNDERWATER IN THE DEPTHS OF THE OCEAN.” – “CODA” BY JD STAHL

Once we become conscious of the dichotomous intentionality of our desires systems, we can then work to accept both aspects of the ego—both the shadow and the light. The shadow is only what we refuse to accept. Darkness is not evil, only the absence of the light of awareness. The light is the truth that we are both creator and recipient of our own dualistic impositions on the external world. The balance between these polarities is the straight path towards realization (Sunyata). This is the path that empowers our discernment between truth and lies, calling forth the karmic balance sheets to those who made attempts to impose their debts onto others.

Sunyata is known as the high, straight path with no railings. Mastering this state requires one to discern the presence of polarity or bias in every possible situation, from moment to moment. No matter how the flames of the fire fluctuate, the master of Sunyata will always be able to identify the central location of the fire—the void. In the space where no air exists, the physical dimension is seen overlapping with the non-physical. Without air, there can be no space.

“WITH YOU IN MY ARMS IS THE MAGIC THAT CONSUMES ME. LIKE THE AIR TO THE FIRE. MY EARTH. MY SEA. POPULATING MY HEAVENS CHOIR. SINGING WITHIN, AN ETERNITY.” – “SOLILOQUY” BY JD STAHL

As the fires within us consume and transmute both our internal and external environments, we are perpetually born from the spark of the void entering the physical reality. When we focus our attention on the spark's catalyst, we identify with both everything and nothing. Anything or anyone who attempts to knock us out of this balance is immediately identified and transcended—just as the vacuum within a fire will bend with the invisible will of spacetime. The entire earth moves around this vacuum. However, to us it seems as if the void is moving inside the flames.

This is our challenge; to become conscious of both the void and the flames, simultaneously, without favoring or opposing one or the other. While our rational minds move inside the tidal bulges caused by our persistent reinforcement of dualism, we slowly recognize that all we are and have ever been is a human fire that is constantly attempting to die within itself so that it can be free.

“THE LINE IT IS DRAWN. THE CURSE IT IS CAST. THE SLOW ONE NOW WILL LATER BE FAST. AS THE PRESENT NOW WILL LATER BE PAST. THE ORDER IS RAPIDLY FADING. AND THE FIRST ONE NOW WILL LATER BE LAST. FOR THE TIMES THEY ARE A-CHANGIN'.” – “THE TIMES THEY ARE A-CHANGING” BY BOB DYLAN

The more we practice our self-awareness and inclinations towards gaining emotional power over others, we will be able to recognize how the external world attempts to manipulate us out of balance and impose karmic debts upon us. With eyes attuned to truth, absent of emotional reactivity, we will more easily achieve harmony in a world that is riddled with temptation and polarization. Instead of focusing on one or the other, the opposites will cancel each other out and we will release our dependency on the external world altogether. We will require much less to be happy or content, no longer driven to gamble away our soul to the competitive marketplace. Instead of losing ourselves to the game of life, we simply observe. We are always “ready” for whatever life throws at us.

Who knows, maybe one day we will need to help our own fathers to find their way down the straight path. It would completely explain why they subconsciously created us the way they did in the first place. Every creation eventually destroys its creator to make room for growth—like snakes shedding their skin, a phoenix rising from the ashes, an artist making a muse obsolete, or a prophet writing a new testament. These things are not done in spite of the creator, but to honor them. A true teacher (guru, guide, father, etc.) will always hope to see those they taught exceed them in every way possible. We challenge our mentors in many ways, always attempting to do greater works than they have done. Our success is implied in our very existence. This is the truest definition of “success” or “succession.”

Knight of Swords

JD Stahl (11/11/2020) Blessed are the days you gave. A life purchased by circumstance. Dedication and duty. Enlisted for a second chance. Changing of your past. Your dance. Perfection unfolded by your call. Duplex definition of all that is all. Effort of your max. Steel fitted gaze. Vision above, out of the maze. From the mud, you rise. In the thunder, love was your battle cry. Letters between hearts so divine. Wings to birds and bombs for lives. Creation and destruction, Held within a life and twisted in your mind. Your soul is safe, here. Sun reflections. Apples. Eyes. Razor sharp. Bleeding mind. Grey cloud overcast. Shadow. Signs. The traveler. Weaver. Driver. Iron. Carbon. Time-rewinder. Cyclical producer. Conductor. Trains. Director of engineers. Reality boss—reconstructor. A soldier formed. A mended mold. In the flame, you stayed the extra day. In this way, your hand will remain, Through the rain, smoke, and pain. You’re the reason I could wake today. The voice that sits behind my night. The man that gave all in the fight. My god and father. Teacher. Friend. Sworded knight. Picture-perfect sacrifice. Thank you for my life.