(B03C09) Chapter 9: The Light at the End of the Tumble

Gabe-Stopping a Sugar-Coated Imminent Front

“YOU, ME, AND GABRIEL ALL TEND THE WORD. THROUGH FREE-WINGED BIRDS WE PREACH. WANDERING AIMLESS BEGINS THE LIGHT. CLINGING TO THE FROZEN HEARTS OF EACH. WE WAIT FOR YOUR AWAKENED MOMENT—FROM THE OPEN EYE TO THE CAFFEINE MIND. YOU SAY THAT YOU’RE NOT STILL ASLEEP. YOU THINK YOU CAN PROMISE IT EVERY TIME. BUT THE ARCH OF LIGHT IS ONLY HORIZON. IT’S THE TRICK THAT PLAYS IN BLENDED SIGHT. THERE’S ONLY A FEW DIVINELY LIT FACES, REPLAYING LIFE TO CREATE ANOTHER ANGEL LIFE.” – “YOU, ME, AND GABRIEL” BY JD STAHL

At various times in our lives, we are presented with certain opportunities—willed or otherwise—where we can engage in our own growth process. Whether our actions or intentions are aimed at physical transformation, metaphysical expansion, or spiritual purification, the universe guides us towards certain experiences that will undoubtedly deliver us into higher planes of consciousness. These events do not have to be grandiose or even memorable; every single day we are presented with a certain offering that reaches out towards us in a language now well-understood by many. The language of which I speak is one which is born from within, authentic to the metaphysical journey through which every living being is set to embark.

For the majority of my life—like many others—I took moments of transformation for granted. Basically, I didn't take advantage of certain transformational moments that would allow me to harness my spiritual sovereignty and the inherent powers that came with that inheritance. From a conscious perspective, I didn't negate these opportunities consciously with my free will, but more because I did not fully believe in myself. I didn't believe that my life held for me anything more than what I had in any specific moment. More than that, I didn't believe that my life could be any better from my subjective perspective. Whether this could be attributed to a lack of self-confidence or a general lack of faith in the people around me, it did not matter. For this reason, I spent much less of my time trying to accrue things in the physical world and spent the majority of my time developing my language with the universe.

“WELL ON THE WAY, HEAD IN A CLOUD. THE MAN OF A THOUSAND VOICES TALKING PERFECTLY LOUD. BUT NOBODY EVER HEARS HIM OR THE SOUND HE APPEARS TO MAKE. AND HE NEVER SEEMS TO NOTICE.” – “FOOL ON THE HILL” BY THE BEATLES

As a child, I was often confused by the external world. Being incredibly sensitive, I was able to feel the emotions of others quite intensely. Because most of the people I met were not willing to be vulnerable, I felt a disconnect with others. This distance eventually developed into a general lack of trust in how others presented themselves. However, since I could still see their true authenticity behind their masks, I rarely turned them away. Instead, I did what I could to try to create a space inside me where—if they were so inclined—they could be become vulnerable and live their truth without fear. Being so attuned to the language of intuition, I was able to see the secrets and fears buried underneath their false personas. I rarely felt that anyone was able to “speak my language” or otherwise meet me at a place where I was able to detect authenticity.

By being sensitive to the energy exchanges between myself and others, I did my best to remain attentive. By being attentive, I could take advantage of the moments when they would let their guard down and I would be able to share a moment with them in their unguarded authenticity—the true version of who they were behind the mask. Even if I was only able to meet with them for a second, it was worth it. In that short time, I would be able to know them down to their soul—often better than they may have known themselves.

Knot Blood-Letting the Deal Go Down the Dream

“I HEAR YOU. YOU DON’T HAVE TO SPEAK. I GET IT. LET ME SAY IT SLOW AND SIMPLY. FROM LEAF TO LEAF. AND DREAM TO DREAM. THE MAGIC IN YOU IS ALSO IN ME. WE ARE ALL PART OF THE TREE. WHEN YOU SPEAK TO THE TRUNK, IT ECHOES INSIDE ME. AN ABUNDANCE OF PURE LOVE. THE ONLY DISTANCE BETWEEN US AND ABOVE IS WHAT WE NEED TO CONFRONT—TO SEE. BUT I HEAR YOU. I FEEL YOU. I DO. THE LOVE IN ME HAS BEEN SENT FROM YOU.” – “INTELLIGENT DESIGN” BY JD STAHL

It was this genuine (unconditional) love that I shared with others. It was also self-love, because I was appreciating the part of them that was mirrored in me. Though these moments of transcendent unity were rare, and often short, it didn't even take an entire second to receive the energetic transmissions where someone's entire being could be communicated through a single photon of light. In this light was the proverbial fire of their being. The more I was able to collect from everyone I met, the more I knew that I would be able to incorporate into my internal world. Whether it be through music, poetry, archetypal development, interpersonal relationships, or self-reflection, I was determined to populate my internal world with only that which I was able to detect as divine.

I would look forward to inviting people into my world. I could do so simply by looking at them as if they were already the divine reflection that was projected on the pineal screen behind my physical eyes. Though I often found myself comparing them to their projected ideal, I knew that if I closed my heart to them as they were working through their own personal transformation, then I would just have easily lost their divine counterpart in the Kingdom within. Even if I had to allow others to hurt, manipulate, lie, or take from me, I knew the cost of closing my heart to anyone meant that I would have to do the same thing to my personal divine counterpart. If I had done this, I would have lost my best friend; I would have completely lost myself—with it, my access to everything I held dear about the world.

“HEALED UP, HAD TO CHILL A WHILE, LAY IN THE CUT. SHORTY TRIED TO WAP ME DOWN IN THE MERCEDES TRUCK. PULLED UP, COBBLESTONE GROUND IN MY PALATIAL HUT. PARADISE FOR NIGGAS STILL DOING DEALS IN THE STREET. ORIGINAL BACKWOODS, I FILL 'EM WITH GREEN. AM I A MUSICIAN OR AM I A MAGICIAN? NO TRICKS, JUST REAL SHIT, STRAIGHT OUT THE KITCHEN. PURE MAGIC.” – “DEDICATED” BY NAS

There were moments, however, when the pain seemed so great that I did shut myself off to my internal kingdom. Whenever I did this—consciously or subconsciously—I would feel an incredible sense of loss, pain, and confusion. The confusion I felt was the effect of no longer being able to communicate in a language of sincerity and truth. Without truth, I could feel my spirit-soul weaken, leaving me to seek sustenance and survival from the external world. Compared to living independently from the energy supplied by my inner light, it was quite a struggle. To put it plainly, it felt as if I was dying. Therefore, whenever I would willfully cut someone out of my heart for one reason or another, I was essentially committing suicide. I was, in a sense, willfully starving my spirit-soul because of fears that I felt were more of a danger to me than losing my sovereignty.

Because I was not consciously aware of the things I was doing as a child in terms of severing my “covenant” with my higher self, I would remain in certain periods of solitude and depression until I was presented with a window of opportunity where these connections could be repaired. Because I wasn't able to express my thoughts or the things in knew to other people without them challenging me or projecting upon me, I would wait until I could tell that they were going through a period of renewal. It was for this reason that I enjoyed holidays. Though I really enjoyed getting presents, the thing I enjoyed the most was that I could sense that the people around me were in a place where they felt safe to be their true authentic selves.

Holidays, in this sense, were predictable opportunities where I knew I could “wash myself” clean in the reflective concepts of others. Essentially, I would baptize my self-image in the waters that cleansed the eyes and minds of others. Since I was so empathically sensitive, I took advantage of certain moments so that I could refill my metaphysical chalice with that which was pure, holy, and true. I would then take this replenishment back to my internal world where I would continue to populate my Kingdom with art, emotion, and spirit that would deepen my connection with my higher self and further develop the metaphysical, symbolic language that would give life to my visions, daydreams, and telepathic community of spirit.

Collecting Rinsed WorldStar Light in a Calendar

“ARE THEY READY FOR UNFILTERED TRUTH? IN THIS GAME SHOW AND NAME-KNOW. WHAT THE PURPOSE IS FOR ME AND FOR YOU TWO? WHEN WILL MY ANGEL REPLACE THE STARS FROM YOUR SKIES? FOR MY DREAMS AREN’T THE ONLY THING TO MESMERIZE. I’VE SEEN IN YOUR EYES.” – “MOSAIC” BY JD STAHL

Thankfully, there were certain times of the year that I could depend on in terms of spiritual renewal. This meant that wouldn't have to guess in terms of when I would be able to take a “spiritual breath.” At times when I was confused, I could feel myself drowning in a flood of my own emotions, unable to get my head above the depression or anxiety that plagued my subconscious. It was only when I felt forced out of intuition that I attempted to sustain myself of the questionable fruits offered in the external world. Unfortunately, I had not developed the necessary boundaries that allowed me to sustain myself in the physical world without leaving myself open to being taken advantage of or used for someone else's personal gain.

These self-destructive patterns of absent confidence eventually caused me to separate myself from my spiritual counterpart. Though I didn't do it consciously, when I would be required to detach from certain things that gave me pleasure of security in the external world, I would balk at the attempts. Essentially, I was not able to release the addictions that I picked up whenever I chose not to confront my emotions. Therefore, it was the lack of adequate response to my own fears and desires that caused me to exchange my intuitive language for one that secured my materialistic addictions—to things, people, or temporary validation. As the years passed, I would do my best to take advantage of certain holidays or transient moments of stability, eventually the toxic patterns remained. These energies colored the rest of my world. As a result, I felt I was stuck in certain cycles of energy that began to manifest everywhere in my life. Instead of embracing moments of purification, I escaped to them—running away from anything that I felt I could not face without some sense of physical security or assurance.

At certain times of the year, energetic portals are opened up. This can occur through specific dates, moon phases, planetary alignment, numerology, or the combination of several factors. During these energetic portals, certain transformations have a greater capacity to occur than during other times of the year. Through alignment, every living creature is tied together, compressing consciousness energy which was previously separated by random events or subjective lifestyles. Beliefs, holidays, concepts, or ideals which are shared are each a potential portal for the alignment of Unity/Christ/God Consciousness. The more we become conscious of these opportunities, we begin to see how we can take advantage of certain points in our life so that we can engage our free will to clarify and purify our relationship with the world at large.

Off the Hook, Blowing Exodust Through Date Bombs

“LIKE A WAVE IN SPACE, I’LL DROP FOR THE LIFT. FLUCTUATE AND FABRICATE. INTERFERE WITH THE VEIL. A SHIFT OF THE SAIL. ON THIS BOAT. IN THE SEA. SURF THE DEEPEST WAVE. EPIPHANY. MANIFEST WHAT YOU CRAVE.” – “EPIPHANY” BY JD STAHL

Every year, when the Sun is at its lowest position in the sky, the nights get longer and the days get shorter. As a balancing force of nature, our inner light—the nature of the oversoul—increases to its full capacity. On the days surrounding the Winter Solstice, we are essentially baptized by our inner light. During this energetic baptism, our soul is rejuvenated, purified by the etheric 5th element of spirit. Like a candle, we are lit from within, causing us to burn away the impurities of our ego—if we allow it to do so by either our actions or non-actions. The more we allow this fire to cleanse us of our personal agendas, the more that the dense vibrations of ego are eliminated.

If we are able to elevate our awareness enough, our free will can align with the fated moments of spiritual rejuvenation. This means that we have to engage our conscious attention with this karmic processing. Though it may seem primarily spiritual, the physical body also shifts to align with the changing of the seasons. If we allow ourselves to be sensitive to how the energy changes, we can feel the energy of the Sun increase during the changing of the seasons—similar to how one would observe the points of crest, trough, and influx points in a wave.

The more we allow ourselves to become more conscious of subtle energy, the more we will be able to use those energies towards manifesting our ideas into the physical dimension. In this way, our sensitivity is akin to our powers relative to our spiritual sovereignty. These are the only powers that we can use to reclaim dominance over our physical body or metaphysical consciousness (thoughts and emotions). Essentially, our sensitivity is the link to the spiritual world.

During the time of the year when we are at our most sensitive—when the sun is at its lowest position in the sky—we are more easily able to identify ourselves with our spirit. Internally, our spirit-soul “breathes” in the purified antimatter of these moments. Though it may take days for us to resign ourselves to healing (if at all), we can eliminate all that previously kept us captive within our metaphysical abomination of ego.

“A MAN OF GOD CAME TO ME; HE HAD THE APPEARANCE OF AN ANGEL OF GOD, FEARSOME INDEED. I DID NOT ASK HIM WHERE HE CAME FROM, NOR DID HE TELL ME HIS NAME. BUT HE SAID TO ME, ‘YOU WILL CONCEIVE AND BEAR A SON. SO DRINK NO WINE OR BEER, AND EAT NOTHING UNCLEAN. FOR THE BOY SHALL BE A NAZIRITE FOR GOD FROM THE WOMB, UNTIL THE DAY OF HIS DEATH.’” – JUDGES 13:6-7

During this time of year, it is helpful to cleanse ourselves from toxins such as alcohol, excessive eating, or other harmful substances that would prevent our bodies from maximizing the healing benefits of our physical body's transfiguration. If we are unable to purify ourselves of our physical, psychological, or spiritual (philosophical) densities, those energies will become amplified during these times. Essentially, our addictions, emotions, or proclivities for service towards things which we identify as our authorities become amplified. If we are not careful or attentive to these tendencies, the energy we receive will get channeled towards our ego or other attachments.

Unfortunately—if almost by design—the time of year that this event is centered around (Christmas and New Year's) is often celebrated by doing the opposite. However, if we are able to maintain a higher sense of purity during the holiday season, we can maximize the energetic benefits that are “gifted” to us in the nights that surround the winter solstice. Again, we can either use our free will to accrue physical aspects that will provide temporary relief, or we can seek higher purpose and allow our soul to purify itself to amplify our soul's capacity for transmutation of energy and transfiguration of the body into a more enlightened being. Once we reach the day of Epiphany (the manifestation of the Son of God) which occurs on January 6th, we can be more assured that we have received the full presence of the inner light.

Light-Weight Insider Trading Schemes with Heavy Percussion

“IS IT DAY OR NIGHT? I CAN'T TELL ANYMORE. I MAY NEED ANOTHER HIT TO FORGET THE CHANGE BETWEEN DUSK AND DAWN. IS IT A WEAKNESS OR ANOTHER PRAYER FOR DEATH TO COME EARLY? SUICIDE, HOMICIDE, AND ABSENCE OF RELIGION. ALL DEFINED BY THE LENGTH OF TIME. GRIEF, SADNESS, RESIGNATION. PAUSE.” – “ABSENCE TIMES 3” BY JD STAHL

Personally, I was never an individual to celebrate the winter holiday season without engaging is excessive consumption of one thing or another. During my childhood, I had a strong proclivity towards sugar. The older I became, the more I pushed the boundaries of my tolerance. As a teenager, the longer the nights grew, the more I ate. Eventually, this eating caught up to me. I gained weight. Each year, it seemed that my tolerance for addictive substances or behaviors grew—and I never really knew why. Though I could have easily been diagnosed with one thing or another, there was something inside me that didn't want to settle for a label. Basically, I knew that there was some way that I could overcome my seasonal depression.

Unfortunately, the older I got, the more external distractions increased as well. The further away that I got from my intuitive awareness, the weaker that I became as an individual. Even though I never really “lost” the powers of my sovereign spirit-soul, I found myself trading my energy in exchange for social validation. This, of course, was just another way that I could engage in addictive or self-gratuitous behaviors that would give me a sense of control over my own emotions during the periods of the year when I felt that something was changing beyond my capacity to either understand or predict. Because I was so sensitive to energy, my entire life eventually became a journey to better understand my connection to the internal light from within.

“GAMES OF SOLITUDE. GAMES OF TRADES. YOUR SOUL IS TOO OLD TO MAKE PLAY WITH THE FRAY. A SITUATION OLDER THAN GOLD IS WHERE YOU’VE STAYED. HAVEN’T YOU REMEMBERED WHO YOU ARE? DON’T YOU REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE? WHY ARE YOU WASTING YOUR TIME, PUTTING YOUR SPIRIT ON THE LINE FOR WORTHLESS BETS AND WAGERS FOR REWINDS? – “TRANSITIONAL FIGURES (IDOLS)” BY JD STAHL

Unfortunately, religions didn't necessarily help. Even though I was drawn towards spiritual discussions, much of what I learned felt like hollow platitudes—a collection of good quotes and stories that kept me captivated during the moment, yet never really taught me how to embrace my own true power that I held as a child. For the most part, many of the lessons that I received from the external world were more centered around giving even more of my power away to external sources of spiritual guidance, not teaching me how to return to the natural state of godhood that I was used to. Unfortunately, all of the discussions about service, worship, and even guidance made me feel more drained than I already was at the time.

The common theme throughout my life was centered around my own spiritual resurrection. Essentially, I was engaged in a lifelong spiritual war—a continuous battle between who I believed that I was, who everyone in the world thought I was, and who I truly was. No matter how much I learned or what I accomplished, I would always reflect back upon my younger self. The version of me that liked to be alone with my thoughts, my music, or fervently engaged in learning was always the gold standard upon which I compared myself from year to year. I guess you could say that I was able to learn more from my younger self than I ever did from any textbook, story, or teacher. The more I became engaged in the external world, the more I found myself reaching out for supplemental energy. Unfortunately, when I began to seek externally for guidance or emotional security, I increased my proclivity for all types of addictions.

Husky Chucks Rounding out Squares on the El-7 Kickball Diamond

“ALWAYS A PLAYGROUND INSTRUCTOR, NEVER A KILLER.” – “ANGELS AND SAILORS” BY JIM MORRISON

Because I didn't have that many friends that I could trust with my vulnerability, I ended up running to food whenever I felt anxious or depressed. Of course, the more I ate, the more weight that I gained. As an overweight child, I was bullied by other kids. Even though they rarely bullied me to my face, I was sensitive enough to know how they truly thought and even what they said to others when I wasn't around; all I had to do was read them intuitively and I would connect all of the dots. For a long time, I struggled in silence. Instead of feeling that I had true friends, it felt as if people were obligated to me in the same way that an insurance company was obligated to support you when times were less than ideal. Trying to keep this perspective while still leaving my heart open to them created quite a divide in my conscious mind. Between poles of love and fear, I sat, filling the ocean of my metaphysical consciousness with observations that seemingly encompassed every pattern the physical world could offer. No matter how much I would observe, this chasm never seemed to fill up.

Seeking for solutions—or a way to escape the entertainment of negative thoughts in my mind about the external world—I engaged in excess. The romantic journey that I had with food, alcohol, friends, romantic partners, and other substances throughout my life was a lifelong experiment. These self-medicative journeys that we take in our lives do not always have to be extreme. While some of us push things to the limit so that we can temporarily escape facing our true selves, others will gently numb themselves with the current culture of the day; either way we do it, our withdraw from our intuitive spirit is the cause of our suffering. If we are attentive to our suffering in a way that allows us to release the limitations of certain belief systems, then we can overcome.

Monopolized by a Chance Carding in The Most Dangerous Game

“THEY WANT TO PLAY A CERTAIN GAME. THE GAME OF GOD GOT EMBARRASSING. THE IDEA OF GOD AS THE POTTER, AS THE ARCHITECT OF THE UNIVERSE, IS GOOD. IT MAKES YOU FEEL THAT LIFE IS, AFTER ALL, IMPORTANT. THERE IS SOMEONE WHO CARES. IT HAS MEANING, IT HAS SENSE, AND YOU ARE VALUABLE IN THE EYES OF THE FATHER. BUT AFTER A WHILE, IT GETS EMBARRASSING, AND YOU REALIZE THAT EVERYTHING YOU DO IS BEING WATCHED BY GOD. HE KNOWS YOUR TINIEST INNERMOST FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS, AND YOU SAY AFTER A WHILE, ‘QUIT BUGGING ME! I DON’T WANT YOU AROUND.’ SO YOU BECOME AN ATHEIST, JUST TO GET RID OF HIM. THEN YOU FEEL TERRIBLE AFTER THAT, BECAUSE YOU GOT RID OF GOD, BUT THAT MEANS YOU GOT RID OF YOURSELF. YOU’RE NOTHING BUT A MACHINE. AND YOUR IDEA THAT YOU’RE A MACHINE IS JUST A MACHINE, TOO. SO IF YOU’RE A SMART KID, YOU COMMIT SUICIDE. CAMUS SAID THERE IS ONLY ONE SERIOUS PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTION, WHICH IS WHETHER OR NOT TO COMMIT SUICIDE.” – ALAN WATTS

I guess you can say that none of us are either “lucky” or “unlucky” in the sense that we are continuously offered ways to view truth beyond the veil of ignorance. In this way, none of us are really “chosen” by anything other than our willingness to abandon belief systems that prevent us from viewing ourselves as gods-in-training. The fact that we fear admitting to ourselves that we know we are worthy beyond anyone else's perspective of who they think that we are is a big part of our suffering. Many of us are afraid of our own power; and that is something that causes us to accept any number of psychological diagnoses instead of seeking a truth outside the collective psychosis of reality.

Addiction itself can be a tricky subject to understand. In a sense, all types of addiction or self-medication are products of ignorance—either by choice, force, or societal negligence. I guess you could say that until we are no longer afraid of death that we are addicted to any “thing” that sustains our physical body. No matter how much we stop trying to breathe in oxygen, there is always a part of our human nature that will take over and shake us until we are forced to draw in a breath. However, just attempting to hold our breath can cause us to realize that our consciousness does not exist in a singular entity. If it did, then our will would be done beyond our body's capacity to overtake that will. This, of course, only tells us that who we believe that we are—the entirety of our ego, including our mental, emotional, and spiritual self—is still not capable of overtaking the primal nature of the body.

The Question

JD Stahl (08/24/2018) Within these watching winds and sandbox play. The days fall away for the other’s coming stay. Gaslighted youth becomes pregnant with the Sun. Anointed by confusion and delaying the race run. When, in contact, you see the disguised mobile jury. That remark on truth and witness the changing story. But who’s to say intention was locked inside the dove, When the man is challenged with proving his love? What you seek, you shall see, for faith has come To call for all the things that you’ve run from. His agony beckons to him in every single night To prove what is real when he sees dreams in light. His friends all wait at the door with bated breath. Saddened faces then sit when there’s nothing left. This child’s intuition has be damaged by reality. Confused between lies and lines due to hierarchy. The man is blind to the boy and his occasional sin, Trying to become what is true and save what’s within. Yet games of the mind are not allowed to be spoken. All the while this beautiful gift of love gets broken. From the highest highs to the lowest lows, he rights. While their diagnoses and discussions kill the delight. The only fuel is emotion. With that, this man stands strong. Caged by the trauma, they caused a need to belong. He cries while they laugh, it’s different than before. Praised and celebrated when he held their cure. A cow that’s been milked and then sent to slaughter Because love has gripped him tight to a daughter. Mixed and confused by your lust and detention. May it be another thing different to his intention? Have you really ever understood this one mind? Have ever been wrong about his need to be kind? Yet, while you look down and label others as done, The mountain you stand atop is apparently won. How does it feel to know the power that breaks through? See how long it takes for the weight to take you. This is what has prevented him from opening up. Now that you see him naked, you step on his cup. All of his confessions are used for his execution. Stuck between God’s will and his own absolution.