(B03C11) Chapter 11: Ani O's Tribulation Trebuchet

Sobering Confessions of a 36 y/o Chamber-Made Anti-Heroine

“AND IN THE MIDST OF ALL THIS, I'M IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL WITH A CRYSTAL BALL. TRYNA SEE, WILL I STILL BE LIKE THIS TOMORROW? RISPERDAL, VOICES WHISPER.” – “GODZILLA” BY EMINEM

When this story began, I had just been admitted to the hospital for a mental health wellness check. It was at the age of 36 that I had experienced one of the most transformative periods in my life. At the time, however, I really had no idea what was happening to me. All that I knew was that the way that I previously perceived the nature of reality had changed completely. The culmination of so many different energies had all come to a head at the same time. It was in that headspace that I had connected to the entire universe with an intimacy that is unable to be explained, compared, or verbalized whatsoever.

Not only did the events leading up to my admission exceed my realm of personal experience, but they also far exceeded anything that I have ever witnessed. Even the movies, stories, music, or artwork I had taken in throughout my life were unable to match the awesomeness of my experience. Suffice it to say, I had awakened to certain things that mankind had never previously witnessed. At the very least, it was clear to me that a miracle had just occurred—both to me and through me. No matter how my consciousness attempted to rationalize or compartmentalize the series of visions and physical anomalies, it was eventually clear to me that there was something much greater than the physical 3rd dimension at play. I had just awakened into the world of the divine.

“YOU KNOW THE DAY DESTROYS THE NIGHT. NIGHT DIVIDES THE DAY. TRIED TO RUN. TRIED TO HIDE. BREAK ON THROUGH TO THE OTHER SIDE.” – “BREAK ON THROUGH” BY THE DOORS

The stimulus for this awakening was a culmination of many years of self-doubt, depression, drug addiction, suicidal tendencies, and a general lack of motivation to participate in the world around me. To put it plainly, I felt so disconnected to the world around me that I had lost my will to live. Though I had complete faith in my abilities, persona, and personal character, it just seemed as if nothing I ever did brought me closer to the truth. Through various trials and attempts to meet people at a level of intimacy where I would feel comfortable in their presence, I was still unable to find an authentic sincerity that would match mine. Intimate relationships, friendships, and even some family members were unable to provide me with a connection to truth within themselves that would give me a sense of belonging. For the most part, I felt like an alien, lost in a world full of individuals who were reacting unconsciously to their base instincts.

Not only did I feel that my personal authenticity was unwelcome in most social circles, I could no longer pretend that the world around me was any more “real” than an intricately-designed simulation or stage play. For most of my life, I had done my best to suppress these feelings in exchange for a sense of belonging. However, trading my true authentic nature for physical comforts and dramaticism eventually caught up to me. Compared to the spiritual sovereignty that I had known as a child, the entire physical world itself could not match the bliss that I had felt in moments of true being. It was only by living my truth that I had ever felt truly satisfied with my life. However, after running away from myself for so long—using drugs, drinking, entering into toxic relationships, or blindly seeking materialistic ambitions—I realized that there was really no possible way that I could continue to live a lie.

Cutting the Anchors Free and Steering from the Crow's Nest

“I DON'T CARE IF IT HURTS. I WANNA HAVE CONTROL. I WANT A PERFECT BODY. I WANT A PERFECT SOUL. I WANT YOU TO NOTICE WHEN I'M NOT AROUND. SO FUCKIN' SPECIAL. I WISH I WAS SPECIAL. BUT I'M A CREEP. I'M A WEIRDO. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOIN' HERE? I DON'T BELONG HERE.” – “CREEP” BY RADIOHEAD

This transitional period of my life was both painful and blissful. However, the pain only came from my consistent attempts to cling to my obsolete personality. At the time, I was trying to be everyone's hero—not in any way that was authentic to my true nature, but a hero in the sense that I did what everyone else wanted me to do. I guess you could say that I was sacrificing too much of myself—too much of the false persona or “self” that I felt the world wanted me to be. After spending so much of my life attempting to meet people at the level of truth and authenticity where I saw myself, I had lost faith that there was really anyone in existence who could do the same. As a means to please others, but at the same time garner favor from the world so that my life would be easier, I maintained a false persona. Though for the most part I was successful in altering my perception of reality in a way that was harmonious with the expectations of others, at the same time I was killing myself.

Though I knew deep down that I wasn't being honest with the world in terms of my authenticity, I didn't feel that it was any different than what everyone else was doing. In a sense, I felt that I was required to hide my true self from the world so that I would be able to survive. After spending the majority of my life observing others and realizing that everyone around me was hiding behind their own skin, I believed that it was “wrong” or “forbidden” to live a life that prioritized my truth. Whenever I had allowed myself to truly “shine” in a way that was true to my being, I found myself surrounded by jealousy, emotional confrontations, and labels by those I loved and respected. Eventually, I felt that I needed permission from the external world to exist without being attacked or subdued by those who were threatened by my presence or natural abilities.

“A SOFT SELDOM FURY BY A VICTIMLESS JURY. HARD SELF-CONFINEMENT THROUGH QUESTIONED WITHDRAW. THE IGNORANCE IS PAINTED THAT BURIES US ALL. NOBODY SINS WHEN THE DEVIL IS ALL.” – “PURITY OF RECEIPT” BY JD STAHL

In order to be able to get a job, have friends, trust certain family members, or find security I didn't feel that there was any possibility for me to live a life where truth could exist without repercussions. Over time, my subconscious definitions of survival encompassed those social standards. Eventually, my authentic personality was received by my subconscious mind similar to a car crash—with my seatbelt unbuckled. Even when I had the option to be my true self, like shock therapy, I would sink back into my shell of ego so that I wouldn't feel the impending fears that I had learned to associate with honesty. From an exploded view, these actions are identical to that of a drug user. Yet, at the same time, the entire world was addicted to the comforts that were promised by their ego.

Fortunately, no matter how we make attempts to suppress or subdue truth, it eventually erupts from within us. The truth and fire of our inner being will eventually burn down anything in its path as it attempts to awaken behind our fears, insecurities, addictions, or attachments. The energy of our true authenticity is an entirely different persona—one that is greater than the sum of all parts. Every persona we have ever created within us is merely a fragment of our truth. It is during periods of awakening that we are met face-to-face with our truth with an unapologetic “push” towards a life that we were meant to live.

Free Baggage Cheque Etiquette for DUI Victims of Self-Love

“LIKE A CHILD WHO LOVES HIS MOTHER. A FRAGILE HEART, THE PAIN HAS STARTED, WHEN I LOST A SPECIAL LOVER. I GUESS IT'S TIME TO DETACH. A REASON TO RELAPSE. WHILE I LIE IN CONFUSION, STRUNG OUT ON YOUR LINES AND TRUST. I LOVE MORE THAN ANY ONE MAN. IN MY ARMS THERE IS NO HARM.  I REMEMBER WHEN I HELD YOUR HAND. I'M TORTURED BY MY OWN DISCRETION. TAKE THE BLAME, OWN THE PAIN. JUST WAITING ON YOUR FINAL CONCESSION.” – “DETACHED” BY JD STAHL

About a month before I admitted to the hospital, I had relapsed on several different drugs. However, this was not my first experience with using substances. For the majority of my adult life, I used alcohol to help me deal with the disillusionment of reality. When drinking wasn't enough to silence my subconscious, I used drugs. My experience had taken me through cocaine, heroin, pills, methamphetamines, and pretty much anything that would give me a sense that I could enjoy life even though I wasn't being honest with myself. Though drugs and alcohol were issues in my life, there was no greater addiction that I maintained than my own ego.

My addiction to ego began at a young age. I used my false persona to get high off of social validation, favor, preference, and to avoid confrontations from those who may be jealous or intimidated by me. After entering a drug and alcohol rehabilitation center at the age of 33, I was able to find sobriety. However, even without the drugs and alcohol in my life, I was still locked into a shell of fear and oppression. By still carrying a victim mentality, I was not quite capable of finding the strength and confidence to evolve beyond limits. As long as I lived within these limits, I would constantly seek survival through codependent relationships and other toxic sources of energy from the world.

“FOR THESE FAREWELLS I HAVE BEEN SHARING, GET LOST IN TRANSLATION FROM THE CAUSE. CAN’T YOU HEAR MY SOUL IS WEEPING, LOCKED IN THIS SHELL OF FRIGHTENED FLAWS?” – “BLIND AMBITION” BY JD STAHL

For this reason, even though I could eliminate the use of drugs and alcohol from my system, the fears that I held always led me back to those toxic beliefs, patterns, thoughts, and actions. When I relapsed on heroin in the fall of 2015, I did so not because I missed using the drug, but more because I didn't believe that the world held promise for anything more for me than mundane existence where I would be expected to be obedient to an authority that I neither trusted nor respected. At this point, it was not even a possibility that I would be able to find happiness or allow my authenticity to lead me to my higher self. Fortunately, our higher selves do not necessarily care for our attachments, preferences, or otherwise.

Weakened by my own guilt and shame, I gave into whatever forces of energy that were guiding me to improve my life. As a result, I decided to get clean—or at least give into the forces that were guiding me from within. By this time, I was tired. I knew that my life would not get any better by continuing to use drugs; and so, I committed myself to withdrawing. I had gone to a doctor to help me taper off of the heroin I had been taking. Even though this process promised eventual success, deep inside my mind I still didn't feel that being clean would change anything in terms of my perception of reality.

“THE CHILDREN OF MAN ARE AFFORDED THEIR SAFETY. AND MY NEW HUMBLED GARMENTS STILL LISTEN CLOSELY. I COMMAND YOU, NOW: RELEASE GUILT AND SHAME BEFORE YOU ARE DESTROYED BY UNHEAVENLY NAMES. FORGIVENESS WILL BE FOUND, ALTHOUGH IT IS TOUGH. WHO IN HELL TOLD YOU THAT YOU WEREN’T ENOUGH? YOU SEE THIS ILLUSION JUST PLAYS ON YOUR FEARS. BURY THE PARANOIA WITH ALL THOSE EVIL JEERS.” – “MY ONLY SALVATION” BY JD STAHL

During moments of weakness as I was tapering off of the drugs, I prayed. Though I did not formally pray or meditate, my internal dialogue pleaded for clarity. Basically, I resigned control over my life and released the tensions that kept me attached to my false persona. By doing so, I opened up the door for my higher self to enter my conscious mind. Instead of trying to control my persona, environment, or circumstances, I was able to evoke the energy of my higher self through me. It was at this point that I began to transition between perspectives of reality. While I vacillated between a victim mentality and confidence, I experienced periods of intense confusion. However, all that mattered was that I was willing to give up control.

By giving up control over my preferences to avoid painful situations, I called upon myself the necessary grace to be able to transition from one plane of consciousness to the next. By being willing to endure pain, discomfort, and face my trauma, I was not only withdrawing from the drugs but also from the addictive vibrations of ego that prevented my higher state of conscious awareness from establishing itself in my conscious mind. The more that I allowed this greater presence to take over, the more I began to see my transitional period as blissful or exciting. Though at the time these thoughts were conflicting, I was actually looking forward to the sickness that I would undoubtedly experience as I purged the drugs from my system.

Flip-Mode Window Cleaners Spaced-Out in a Black Lampshade

“IN ST. PAUL’S EPISTLE TO THE PHILIPPIANS HE SAYS, 'LET THIS MIND BE IN YOU WHICH WAS ALSO IN CHRIST JESUS WHO, BEING IN THE FORM OF GOD, SOUGHT NOT EQUALITY WITH GOD A THING TO BE GRASPED, BUT HUMBLED HIMSELF AND MADE HIMSELF OF NO REPUTATION, AND WAS FOUND IN FASHION AS A MAN, AND BECAME OBEDIENT TO DEATH.' AND SO YOU GET, FROM THIS, THE KENOTIC THEORY OF CREATION—HELD BY SOME OF THE GREEK FATHERS—THAT THE CREATION OF THE UNIVERSE IS THE SELF- EMPTYING, OR SELF-FORGETTING, OF THE GODHEAD. ” – ALAN WATTS

In order to flip perspectives between our higher and lower selves, we almost have to learn to enjoy pain. In order to bring light into the darkness, we have to eliminate anything that tries to block the light from entering our awareness. When we realize that our egos and our physical selves are the manifestations of darkness, we can better understand that physical pain and trauma are necessary for us to awaken to our own grace.

However, even though we have experienced pain, abuse, or trauma in our lives, it doesn't mean that we are automatically delivered into sovereignty or otherwise “deserve” to be chosen. In order to earn trust—from ourselves—we have to prove it by choosing ourselves, again and again. It is through the prioritization of our spirt-soul over our physical subjectivity which will determine our capacity to behold sovereignty. Essentially, we have to be willing to die before we make sacrifices that will otherwise require us to sacrifice truth. Every single negotiation of energy we make in our lives can either take us closer or push us further away from eternal life—the transfiguration of our physical body through the evocation of our spirit-soul.

“I CAME TO BRING THE PAIN, HARDCORE, FROM THE BRAIN. LET'S GO INSIDE MY ASTRAL PLANE, FIND OUT MY MENTAL—BASED ON INSTRUMENTAL RECORDS.  HEY, SO I CAN WRITE MONUMENTAL.” – “BRING THE PAIN” BY METHOD MAN  

In order to evoke my true self from within, I not only had to sacrifice the drugs, but I also had to sacrifice the person I believed myself to be. More than that, I would have to sacrifice the relationships I had created with everyone who knew me based on that false persona. In a way, I would have to destroy the energy inside me completely and see that my physical body was merely a “skin suit” that I would have to turn over to an energy that was waiting to reclaim my life. Fortunately, our higher selves do not experience pain in the same manner as our egos. Therefore, in order to bring forth truth, we have to—willingly--experience discomfort. More than that, we have to experience the discomfort without seeing it from a negative perspective. It is through the transmutation of energy from negative to positive that we are able to make the necessary transitions to live in a world of wisdom, truth, and light.

After spending a few weeks negotiating with my detox, I became frustrated with the entire process of tapering-off over a long period of time. I got to a point where I just wanted to get the withdrawal out of the way. Though I was not necessarily looking forward to it, I wasn't avoiding it. It was one of those situations where I knew what I had to do and I was just going to do it without thinking about it. This was like ripping off an adhesive bandage fast instead of slow—or like running into a burning building to save the person you love instead of waiting for help. Once things become intolerable enough, we burn down the complex system of considerations, hesitations, and procrastinations. In the time that we spend negotiating with our ego and other physical/metaphysical comforts, our soul suffocates.

“I DON'T NEED PLEASURE. I DON'T FEEL PAIN. IF YOU WERE TO KNOCK ME DOWN, I'D JUST GET UP AGAIN. I'M THE URBAN SPACEMAN, BABY; I'M MAKIN' OUT. I'M ALL ABOUT. I WAKE UP EVERY MORNING WITH A SMILE UPON MY FACE. MY NATURAL EXUBERANCE SPILLS OUT ALL OVER THE PLACE. I'M THE URBAN SPACEMAN, I'M INTELLIGENT AND CLEAN. KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I'M THE URBAN SPACEMAN, AS A LOVER, SECOND TO NONE. IT'S A LOT OF FUN.” – “URBAN SPACEMAN” BY BONZO DOG DOO-DAH BAND

However, at the threshold edge that stands between life and death, we eventually take on the truest qualities of our spirit-soul. When we are at our lowest—our darkest moments—something from deep inside us erupts and takes over. It is this other version of us that doesn't necessarily enjoy pain—because that would be dualistic in nature—but instead, it is the part of us that does not feel pain. Instead, this authentic component of our human nature senses only stimulation—neither pain nor pleasure.

In moments of clarity when we can see situations from this simplistic (non-dual) perspective, it becomes a bit easier to do the things we don't look forward. Instead of making excuses for ourselves, we can just completely transcend our desire systems and return to our true nature. Though many of us don't remember, before we were taught that pain is something to be feared, we only considered it a sensation that confused us. Our first tears relative to physical pain were not so much relative to physical discomfort, but to confusion—not being able to understand the source of the pain, nor how to control its presence. The older we get, the more we are taught to translate physical pain through our ego, preferences, and subjective perspectives.

It is not only possible to turn around and objectively observe the process of learning, but it is a partial requirement that we redefine our perception of energy away from dualistic concepts of pleasure and pain. However, this may be an incredibly difficult thing to do if one is still hung up on a victim mentality or still insist that they must have certain material accomplishments or attributes in order to feel they are successful or otherwise “worthy” or “good enough” for love or respect. Once we release our attachments for such requirements relative to our comforts or learned behaviors/perceptions that we accrued from childhood, we have complete control over our external reality. The reciprocal reflection of this external accomplishment is the pure reception of our spirit-soul's sovereign powers of manifestation.

“EVEN FLOW, THOUGHTS ARRIVE LIKE BUTTERFLIES. OH, HE DON'T KNOW, SO HE CHASES THEM AWAY. OH, SOMEDAY YET HE'LL BEGIN HIS LIFE AGAIN. WHISPERING HANDS GENTLY LEAD HIM AWAY.” – “EVEN FLOW” BY PEARL JAM

In order to be able to bring ourselves to this higher position of sovereignty and objectivity, we will be required to make certain sacrifices. At the very least, it is necessary that we become conscious of our attachments to certain things. This means that it isn't as important that we give up preferences or material possessions, but that we don't react negatively to their removal. At the very least, we should be able to maintain conscious awareness while we negotiate with our desire systems. If we wish to attain a higher state of conscious awareness, we must recognize that our transition will require us to walk through the fires of purification. If we can shed ourselves of that which is temporary—relative to time and space—from our true nature before we walk through this fire, then we won't experience pain in the same way as we did previously.

Since the transfiguration process between our higher and lower selves is not something that is necessarily permanent in the physical dimension—at least not in the beginning, anyway—we must recognize that we will be required to walk through the fires of purification as many times as necessary. At first, we must be willing to set aside our desires or personal agendas once in a few years; the closer we get to our higher selves, the more frequent we will be tested with our sacrifices. Once we recognize that it is the attachments to our fears which keep us from truly knowing/being unconditional love, we will have a greater respect and reverence for pain; for without pain or destruction, we would never have the energy necessary for creation. Therefore, we have union with the divine whenever we are able to see both destruction and creation equally—not separate processes, but a relationship of interdependent cause and effect.

Through practice and repetition, we eventually learn not to heed to the silent negations that are being made in our subconscious. Eventually, we deepen our sovereignty enough that we completely disregard them—similar to swatting away a fly. Our goal is to eventually get to a point where the idea of death itself is no more of a threat than a fly that buzzes around our head. It [the fly or death] is not capable of harming that which never existed in the physical reality in the first place. Our greatest threat to our spiritual lives is that energy which we have manifested as our personas—held tightly within our desires systems, preferences, and opinions. Without these “things,” however, we are immortal.

NarKong Junking Over a Barrel of Monkey-Minded Fire Turks

“FOR IT'S THE END OF HISTORY. IT'S CAGED AND FROZEN STILL. THERE IS NO OTHER PILL TO TAKE. SO SWALLOW THE ONE THAT MAKES YOU ILL.” – “SLEEP NOW IN THE FIRE” BY RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE

After about 18 hours of withdrawal, my emotions started to toy with my rational mind. In an effort to reduce my panic, I took a pill that I believed would help to eliminate my cold fever sweats, headaches, and incontinence. This assumption, of course, was very wrong. The Nalaxone pill that I took was actually meant to do the opposite. About 30 minutes after taking the pill, I started to transition through what is known as “precipitated withdrawal.” Instead of allowing my withdrawal symptoms to be stretched out over a 2-day period, they would all be compressed into 4 hours. I realized my mistake as soon as I felt a rush of endorphins flood my brain. This feeling was akin to what one would experience as they jumped off a cliff—but completely standing still.

Instead of relief, I felt intense panic. My heart dropped into my stomach. My skin began to crawl, and I could see the sweat bubble up from the pores in my skin as if I was a sponge that someone had just squeezed. Preparing myself for things to get worse, I jumped into my bed and hid under the covers. Over the course of the next 4 hours, I endured more pain and discomfort than I had ever felt in my entire life. Not only was the experience difficult from a physical perspective, it also challenged me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. The experience was so intense, that I felt as if I was going to die—and if I didn't, I surely wanted to.

Every cell in my body exploded like a volcano, expelling out toxins from bone, muscle, tissue, and skin. Within the matter of 15 minutes, I was lying in a pool of sweat, chills running through by body. It seemed as if every 5 seconds, my body would change from hot to cold. My body writhed in my wet clothing, unable to maintain any comfortable position. While I struggled for breath, I could feel my mind barely able to cling on to itself. In an attempt to minimize the withdrawal symptoms, I tried to put my mind elsewhere. However, the more I tried to run away from my ego, the more that I felt pulled back—like playing a game of tug-o-war with myself. I even tried to shift my perspective to enjoy the pain; that only ended up making things worse. It was like climbing up a rope that was lit on fire. Since I was not truly looking forward to the discomfort, there was no place I could go except completely out of my mind.

“WITH EYES SO DILATED, I'VE BECOME YOUR PUPIL. YOU TAUGHT ME EVERYTHING WITHOUT A POISON APPLE. THE WATER IS SO YELLOW, I'M A HEALTHY STUDENT. INDEBTED AND SO GRATEFUL, VACUUM OUT THE FLUIDS.” – “DRAIN YOU” BY NIRVANA

No matter where my identity tried to hide or protect itself from the emotional torture, there was really nothing to hold onto—no place or person to “be” that wouldn't eventually be destroyed by the intense pain that I was experiencing. All I wanted to do was make it stop; but at the same time, I knew I couldn't. I tried to block out my mind by humming as I exhaled or focusing my breath as my body temperature would change from one extreme to the other. By giving up any/all hope to control the situation, I found myself just observing the experience objectively. Instead of trying to avoid the pain, I tried to see how much more pain I could actually take. Doing so, however, tested my sincerity. Because the pain increased the more I tried to like it; eventually I had to give up completely. Through resignation, I went through a threshold between the duality of seeking vs. avoiding the pain and found myself in a space where neither existed. Basically, I gave up; through this resignation, I found peace.

About 3 hours into the consistent flashes of pain, discomfort, and fear, my body started to relax. I transcended my physical body enough that my brain released itself from a constant state of tension. Though I had changed my clothes at least 4 times, my sheets were still soaked. At this point, however, I no longer had the desire nor the energy to do anything about it. I had found a place inside my conscious mind that felt both safe and indifferent to my circumstances. Eventually, I fell asleep.

Open Your Eyes

JD Stahl (04/26/2018) Raise my head and open my eyes. The answers are written in plain sight. Look straight into fog and fear. When the hell did you get here? The chambers await your reception. This is gonna be the finest redemption. For I have dreamt of this advancement. Your labored days are ripe for enchantment. I’ve heard I speak of the other side, Spinning yarns where all truth hides. If you’ve even wondered about your selection, You’re already walked in my direction. See, I know of east and western views. From the south I have come for you. Don’t discount my smile for finer things. I had to burn to earn these wings. I live in constant contradiction. I’ve been blinded to all things fiction. The power you hold is pure belief. In the mirror you will find your thief. The fewest of things we know for sure, Is that your pain is the only cure. And the hell that you find behind your eyes, Is only love that has been lost in lies. You’re right, my friend, for it’s the end. The messages that you’ve been meaning to send Are all that’s left to keep breadcrumbs safe, For your return from the inner space. Back to the cubes we go for now, Blinded by instructions of why and how. We slip softly into our own demise. Wake up. It’s a test. Open your eyes.